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Night for the Bride

Maggie and I went to a Mary Kay party the other night for one of our long time friends. Our friend, Steph, is getting married in June and won a Mary Kay party for her and her bridesmaids. We had a blast. Besides spending time together, we were able to sample products from the line. It gave Steph a great chance to test out a natural look for the wedding along with us all learning some new tips. I came to the party with the intent to buy. After trying different items and learning how to apply certain products, we each had a little meeting with the representative. Maggie and I decided to buy the day/night serum set along with the highlighting pen. I desperately needed the pen. Steph had a chance to buy some things as well and is looking forward to trying everything before the big day. How exciting for her!

I am considering joining one of the cosmetic companies. I use to be a part of Avon a year ago but never really did too well with it. I haven't since looked into it but the representative thinks I would do well in the company. I am worried about the start up cost but maybe it will be worth it. The representative is going to call me this morning around 10am to talk about it. I would like to make some extra cash and I enjoy beauty products. I don't know. Maybe this call in the morning will help me make my decision.

After the get together, Steph, Maggie, and I decided to get some food and a drink. The place we went to was deserted. Besides the three of us, there was an elderly gentleman and two women. That's it. Besides the tater tots and mozz sticks, we had the bartender try a few drinks out on Maggie since she's never really tried too many things other than a malt beer.

It felt great to finally do something. After coming home, I went straight to bed. We are planning on getting together again soon.

"Winter just wasn't my season"

Breathe by Anna Nalick

So it's been a year since I've written anything. In regards to blogging, writing my poetry or prose, anything. I've lacked any motivation to create anything since losing my mother.

Nothing has really changed except for who I am. Losing my mother had given me more perspective of how grateful I am for my family. My dad, sister, and I have never been closer. I don't know what I'd do without them or my boyfriend.

Since her passing, I have dealt with night terrors concerning her passing. They are normally about her being dead and something horrible happens, or I'm watching the whole scene again. On the night of her passing, Maggie (my sister) and I watched everything. We tried saving her life before the paramedics came. I felt her cool skin and the stillness within her. I watched the paramedics shock her, do CPR, and a variety of other things. It's been over a year since she left us and most of the time I feel the same anguish I did that first month after her passing. I want to do something meaningful to celebrate her but I'm clueless on where to begin.

My grandma has created something spectacular. In her back yard, she has created a garden to celebrate her daughter that she lost all to soon. It's filled with beautiful pink roses and other flowers. The main color is pink since it was my mom's favorite color. She planted numerous tulip bulbs last fall and they are starting to sprout. The garden has a Mickey Mouse in it, as my mom was a HUGE Mickey fan. There's a beautiful sitting bench. Solar angel lights. It's breathtaking. I'm so proud and grateful she has done this, not only for herself but as a peaceful sanctuary for us all.

Maybe at some point, when it doesn't hurt as badly, I can write a biography about my mother. She is such a beautiful, brilliant, nurturing soul; I say is because I feel in my best that she isn't truly gone. As long as I live on, her blood runs through me. I notice that I am beginning to look more and more like her daily. When ever I paint my nails, it takes me aback because my hand suddenly looks just like my mother's. In a picture of when she was little, I see that I looked just like her as a small girl. I see her attending in front of me in the mirror, my mother fifteen years ago when I'd watch her get ready for work. She looked beautiful, graceful, and sophisticated with her high heels, nail polish, work clothes, and smooth skin. I idolized her and in many ways still do. I don't think I'll ever be as beautiful or smart as she was but I see her features in my face and body. I even have the small pinky toe nail like she had. It makes me smile that we have the same little quirks.

Beside dealing with her passing, I've been working pretty steadily at my same job. I just celebrated being at this job for two years. I did have to take a month of medical leave of absence due to a major flare up of Fibromyalgia back in December.

Socially, I'm doing somewhat better. I reconnected with talking to one of my exes. We dated briefly and haven't spoke since the breakup. I talk to her from time to time. It's been comforting since she use to be a close friend of mine. I also just reconnected with someone I once considered to be my first girlfriend, my first love, but more importantly, a close friend for years after we split.

We haven't talked after I said that I still had feelings for her four years ago. My medicine along with my bipolar messed with my emotions and I wasn't actually in love with her. None the less, it freaked her out. She was in a relationship with a woman she thought she was going to marry and her girlfriend despised me. I also really hated the girlfriend because she caused a lot of trouble between Stephanie and I. Including being the reason we broke up in the first place. Now, that was nearly ten years ago. Anyways, the past is in the past. We started talking a few weeks ago. I've missed her so greatly. I hope she never decides it's too much to handle with us being friends again. She was one of the only people I trusted and could be myself with as a teen. We've both changed as we've became adults. With experience comes enlightenment. She had since split with her now ex (even though her ex probably wasn't a horrible person, I'm SO glad). She has since met a wonderful woman whom she hopes to marry. I'm so happy for her.

My boyfriend, Michael, is graduating from college in a month. I'm so proud of him. I met him when he had just turned fifteen years old. He has turned into a remarkable man and I can't wait to marry him. We're hoping to get engaged within a year. I have never felt more sure of a decision in my life.

I haven't slept at all and have been up for about 24 hours. Crazy! Anyways, I'm going to consciously work on this blog. I know others go through similar issues and hey, maybe we can walk this journey together.

He Choose Me

In the time that has passed, I have been working towards making my life better. I bought a bike to ride to my appointments. I also now have a computer so that I can start taking some online classes. Which also means I can write more frequently and even have some fun.

I was also able to convince my dad to allow me to get another cat as a means of therapy. When I lost Marmalade in April, it completely broke my heart. Besides being like a child to me, she served as a therapy animal that helped with my depression, pain, sleep, etc. Marmalade also helped my sister know when she was about to have a seizure and would help calm her during the process. While no being of any kind will be another Marmalade, I knew that I needed to find a cat that would love me.

Maggie (my sister for those who have not read my previous posts) and I went to our local animal rescue shelter. We saw a bunch of cats online, more that I can even count, but we were floored when we saw that the cats online were merely a small percentage of those at the center. There were rooms upon rooms full of cats. It was depressing and I wish I could have saved them all.

After starting the application process, we looked through the different rooms. The cats looked like they were in the window of a shop. The cat beds, glass panels, and ability for 2-3 cats to be in one section to bond helped make it feel a bit less like a kitty orphanage but rather a shop at a mall. First off, I found a kitten that was 12-18 weeks old. Her name is Munchkin. We took her into the "Hug Room" and she immediately melted my heart. She loved to play and cuddled up against my chest. My only concern was that since we have an older cat with behavioral/mental health problems the kitty may not be able to defend herself if a cat fight happened.

The second cat was Mark. At the age of 1.5 years old, he was still playful but not as needy as Munchkin. He clicked with Maggie and he was her pick. Since it was up to me to pick out the cat, I declined against him because he seemed too aloof and independent.

Then, as we were waiting to see Munchkin again, Maggie saw a cat, Butterscotch, in the top corner and she cleaned his eye (we were on the caged side at this point). He rubbed up against the metal and batted at Maggie playfully. Since Munchkin wasn't available yet, we decided to see him. In the room, he loved the play toys, even jumped onto the door at full speed, and had us cracking up. As the volunteer came to take him back, he went the other way, jumped onto the bench, and laid on my lap/chest. The volunteer chuckled and gave us another moment. I looked into his golden eyes and held him. I whispered, "Would you be my kitty? Are you the one?" By holding him and seeing those beautiful eyes, my heart swelled and my eyes began to water. I looked at Maggie. This is my kitty.

I was overjoyed to bring him home. We renamed him to "Sammy". He adapted quickly to our home and he is fine with the other cats. They, on the other hand, are still adjusting to him. He snuggles with us. He plays and sleeps as if it's a constant cycle. And besides his amazing personality, he's a huge kitty! With being only a year and a half old, he's around 20lbs! I feel as if God, my mom, and Marmalade guided me to him. In the end, he chose me.

BTW, it's my sister who is in the last picture.

  

The Meaning of a New Life

It has been months since I last wrote. An unimaginable amount of crap has happened. Above all else, I am deeply saddened to report that my mother passed away on March 2, 2014. She had been discharged from the hospital at Friday afternoon, said to be medically stable. She was sitting up in bed that Saturday night (technically Sunday morning since it was 1:30am) when she fell back and her eyes rolled back. I called 991 as Maggie performed CPR. The medics revived her but lost her on the way to the ambulance.

I cannot even begin to describe the pain I felt as the doctor came into the family waiting room to tell us. I knew in my heart that she wouldn't make it this time but I so badly wanted and prayed that she would fight back like she had every time before. Remember, this was the woman who had a stroke, heart attack, fell into two medically induced comas, had been on the ventilator several times, fell into a diabetic coma, had brain surgery, and nearly hemorrhaged to death while giving birth to me. She was a tough cookie but for some reason, she couldn't fight through this. Maggie and I felt like she was ready to go. After enduring dialysis, it took all of her energy and she couldn't fight.

Sure, a lot of people think about all that she and I will miss out on like when I try on wedding dresses, or when I have a child. But the true tragedy is not being able to go to her when I wake from a bad dream or when I can't tell her a funny story about what happened at work. Yes, big moments are defining attributes of our lives but the real moments that color in the lines of our once blank canvas are the everyday interactions with the ones that we love and value. 

It has been a month since she passed away. I suffered from constant nightmares for three weeks after it happened. It became so unbearable that I refused to sleep. I still have the nightmares but they aren't nearly as often. I feel like I can get a grip on it at the very least. I still have a very hard time sleeping. My eating patterns are bizarre- the only things that ever really taste good are greek yogurt and chocolate-peanut butter Easter eggs. Because of course that makes sense.

The family has been trying to support one another. I have more contact with my mother's sisters and my grandparents. Maggie and I have patched things up. The most surprising change has been that we now have some contact with my dad's sister. We haven't talked to her for years. We talked to her after the visitation and she and my cousin came to the funereal. I talk to my aunt on Facebook and it's been comforting having contact with her again.

In this constant search for finding a "new life" after losing my mother, life has kept moving forward. I actually went to Kansas City with my boyfriend and his family for the Big 12 Tournament. It was a convenient distraction. After the trip, I went back to work for my first week back. I've been making some new friends as my company has been hiring a lot of new people. I've been talking to one of the new guys through text. I think he and some of the other new people could become friends I trust.Also I had my annual work review. It wasn't perfect but my boss told me she's seen a lot of improvement in the past few months and I ended up getting a raise! It's my first raise, EVER. So excited! 

In the past few weeks I also went to the circus with Maggie and my dad. Maggie and I rode an elephant! A lovely woman took pictures on my cell so we could scrapbook it later. We ate unhealthy, overly priced food, watched plenty of acts, and I made sure to get a bunch of pictures with the clowns, 

I don't know what the future holds and how I will get there but one thing I have learned is that humans are highly adaptable. This doesn't mean that the transition is easy but we adapt to what we need to become and how to find happiness in life. After all, that's what we all are truly wanting, right?

What's Worth Fighting For?

It's been a sucky time. I've been arguing with my sister. For those of you that don't know, my family took her in after she was living in a not so wonderful environment after both her and I graduated high school. She moved in with us when she was 19- only three years ago.

Siblings bicker and fight. I know that. But I can't stand this. There is so much bitterness  and resentment. I know my hands aren't clean but my family seems to believe that she can't do any wrong. I have a long standing feeling of frustration because I go to work to help support the family yet she doesn't. In fact, I rarely get anything for myself due to lack of money but she smokes so she gets things when I don't. If she were working, I wouldn't care. My main problems deal with how my family treats her, which isn't necessarily her fault, but she doesn't help them. She doesn't have the responsibilities I have. While these are the main problems, I feel like the list continues to grow each day.

The fighting has became unbearable. When Mom left for dialysis, I said that we had to talk. For the sake of our relationship. She didn't care and split as soon as Mom was out of the room. She and the others in my family are really making me feel like I'm disposable. I really don't matter. With how she left, I've never felt so abandoned by her. But maybe I need to detach for my own sake. Still, that doesn't help now.

Here I am: 22 years old, swimming in college debt, working a job that allows me to help support my family but not enough to support me living on my own (especially to have my own health insurance since that's very important). I'm without a degree, unable to reach my dreams. I'm not close to most of my friends anymore since my life has taken a drastic turn since leaving college.

When I feel as overwhelmed as I do, I don't know how to cope. I listen to music but it just compounds how I'm feeling. I use to cut and I still fight urges. I'm 22 and lack any real coping mechanisms. And I attended college for psychology. You would think that I'd know how to deal with life by now.

I have work later today (of course, I also do) so I'm going to try taking a nap while Mom's gone. I have no clue how to handle the recent blow up with my "sister". I can't be the only one giving energy into making this work.

Until she comes back, I can't even eat since she has the debit card and I need it to go to the cafeteria.

Please comment with ideas?

Listening to: Unbreakable Heart by Three Days Grace
Reading: Insurgent by Veronica Roth
Watching: Criminal Minds

Overload

Since I last wrote, we have moved twice. We moved into an apartment right after I turned 22 in September. At the time, Mom was in the hospital the day that we signed the lease. I stayed at the hospital with her while Dad and Maggie packed. My boyfriend, Michael, and his aunt and uncle helped us move.

I loved the apartment. We lived right by a mall, tons of restaurants, and had really sweet neighbors. In November, I had trouble with my bank account and one of my checks was eaten up by bank fees. My account was closed and I was suppose to receive my next check in a paper format. Instead, my work somehow sent my check to some account to a bank that I have never gone to. I finally received that check after a month of waiting. I went nearly six weeks without being able to use my wages. The apartment complex filed for eviction and we had to appear in court. If we could pay it in court, everything would be fine. Due to this, I had to ask a friend for $50 to pay for rent. Everything was set. Then, on the day of court, Michael's car ran out of gas when getting my sister and I. We were late to court, the eviction was set, and we lost our place. The first real place we had had in years. I'm still devastated and am scared of how this is going to effect future rental prospects. For the time being, we're in a motel that's way too small, has three phone lines for the entire building, is crawling with roaches, and have to pay $1,000 a month. I'm thankful for the place but it makes me horribly depressed. I'm determined to get my life back on track. Even if that means venturing out on my own (but with an eviction on my record, how in the world do I get a place???).

Within the past month, Dad has had problems with kidney stones. He ended up getting staff infection, was in the hospital for a week, missed work for two weeks, still has to take meds through an IV, and just went back to work on Wednesday. My sister and Mom were also released from the hospital this week- Mom also had staff infection and Maggie was put on a ventilator after having a single seizure for 45 minutes. Everything was starting to be okay. Until yesterday. Mom's dialysis catheter came out when she woke from a nap. She was hemorrhaging blood. The entire blanket and pillow was/is soaked with blood (we have to throw it away since there is no use in saving them). Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She is suppose to have another catheter put in today. My nose still stings from the strong smell of blood. I normally can keep my cool but between seeing how much blood was on the bed, seeing what a mess the paramedics left for me (they put our microwave stand outside, in the snow and left it- and I'm not strong enough to lift it, for instance), I let myself have a small meltdown. I was trying to put something away, had rotten cottage cheese spill on me since they placed the garbage sack in the way, and was unable to reach the fridge. It was just the icing on the cake. I took the zip lock baggies of meat and cheese and banged them against the counter. I had to have a small, temporary moment of insanity.

In the midst of all this, I'm on a 2nd level probation at work due to attendance. I have had to miss for emergencies, like when Mom has been taken by ambulance before. I missed once or twice in the past year for being sick. My work is even holding it against me when I had to seek medical treatment for workman's compensation when I smacked my hand against the metal rack when pulling sacks apart. I need to talk to the HR department about that matter because it should not be held against me.

Anyways, I have received very little sleep and have work today. I have no clue when I'm scheduled since I forgot to grab my schedule on my way out yesterday. I'll have to call. I hope it's in the mid afternoon. I really am so exhausted with everything.

How am I coping? I don't know. I've been reading the Divergent and Hunger Game series a lot. I also used my Christmas money to buy a Playstation 3. I'm pretty psyched. I own a few of my favorite games as well as some TV episodes.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I promise I'll update more often.

Til next time,
Meredith

Followed By a Chaser

Since I last wrote, I went to the pain specialist and also had my colonoscopy. The appointment with the pain doctor went alright I guess. She put me on Gabapentin. I'm hoping that this will help. She did take away the other medicine I was on and that was working so I'm nervous I'll be in a lot of pain.

On Wednesday, I was on the clear fluid diet and it wasn't too terrible. I ate a lot of Jello and made soup in which my mom ate the noodles. For some reason I didn't have much of an appetite (I'll be thankful for that in this instance). I also had to drink the bowel prep liquid. Disgusting! I had to drink one bottle at night and another in the morning. When I started drinking at night, I kept throwing up. I mixed with water and orange juice. The stuff is just too bitter and salty. Finally, after three hours later, I had it all down but after each gulp I had to take a drink of Mountain Dew since the sweetness cut the  salt/bitter. The liquid is designed to make you go to the bathroom so word of advice, drink something like Gatorade a few days prior and while on the clear liquid diet. Otherwise, you will become shaky, weak, and have a horrible headache. I ended up falling asleep next to my sister and mom as they were rubbing my back. I finally felt relaxed.

In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. In order to go back to sleep, I had to drink the prep. This time, I mixed it with pure orange juice and chased it from the start. I got it down within 5 minutes. I drank it like a boss!

I went to the procedure with Dad and my boyfriend.They weighed me before I had to get into a gown and I'm officially 27 lbs lighter than my heaviest!!! Before I went into the procedure room, I had Dad come back to see me. I was crying and anxious. When the nurse got me ready, we were talking about where I work and she gave me some meds. I didn't sleep throughout the procedure. The medicine didn't touch me. In fact,the nurse had to tell me to keep trying to relax and stop talking. The actual procedure was NOT painful. The results came back with nothing giving clear answers. Everything looked okay. They did take some biopsies and I will have to have some lab work done to figure a few more things out. While I'm glad everything looked okay, I'm still needing answers.

Over the past few days, my sister and I have talked a lot more. It makes me happier.When we take the time for just the two of us, we can talk about things that we normally couldn't with others around.

Of course, everything can't be easy. The hotel we are at said they double booked our room so that we'll have to move out. There's no way we can move out by tomorrow. I pray that someone cancels and that a miracle happens.

Eve's Curse, My Colonoscopy, and My Welcome Back to College

I'm officially off of work until Saturday. Today, I have an appointment with a new doctor. This specialist deals with pain management. After the troubles I have personally seen others go through with finding good doctors as well as a doctor that understands the way pain can change a person's life, I'm very anxious about this appointment. I'm not wanting 100 mg of Oxycontin or anything huge like that. I just want a compassionate doctor to listen to how my pain effects my life and figure out medicines that will treat these matters. I may have my boyfriend come into the room for support but I wish I could get my sister to go with me. She understands the power pain can have with her frequent migraines and seizures.

Truth be told, I don't want to go to this appointment. Or especially my colonoscopy on Thursday. I'm 21 years old. Anymore, I feel like a 21 year old trapped in the body of a 80 year old. I hate being a "special" or "complicated" case. I want to be able to bend over without having pain ripple down my back and knees. I want to be able to save my hard earned money towards something fun for once instead of shell out hundreds for medicine. I hate knowing that my livelihood is dependent on taking capsules instead of my own free will and spirit. I hate having to use a motorized buggy that stores provide when I'm really weak. People stare at me as if I'm some young, immature jerk that thinks it's funny and is just lazy. I feel as if I have chains wrapped around my ankles and wrists, and I'm pushing against them with all my might. I just want something to go smoothly, easily. I acknowledge how blessed I am but the flesh part of me nags at my spirit. I guess this is what makes me human. Dammit Eve!

While I'm on the topic of medical business, I'm becoming increasingly depressed, scared, and anxious for the colonoscopy on Thurs. Thankfully, my dad will be in the waiting room and will get to see me in the recovery section when it's done. I had to buy the foods that I'm allowed to have while on the clear liquid diet. I decided that I'm going to try drinking the broth although since I was a kid I haven't been able to stomach it. I bought five packs of Jello. Of course, I can't have strawberry, raspberry, or cherry since I can't have anything red or purple. Does blue count? Because I could go for blue raspberry. Or a Jello shot rather.

For most people, this test isn't a big deal. I'm not sure if I've done into much detail with my history with this or not but I'll give the rundown. When I was seven, I became really sick. I had blood in my stool and pool out of my colon. I developed cancerous polyps. I was in and out of the hospital for months and was almost held back from school due to being gone for the majority of it. Now that the test is coming closer, I remember the car rides out of state to see a specialist. I remember when the doctor told my mom and how she cried for the longest time. She held me close and even though I didn't fully understand what was going on, I knew that I was at the beginning of a scary journey. Fourteen years later, I sit at a desk in a lobby, trying not to cry, as I pray that I won't receive the same news. I'm scared of when they'll put me to sleep. I'm scared of being alone when it happens. I'm scared I'll be in pain. I fear I won't wake up from sedation. I fear I'll experience the same things that I did as a child. As I bought my clear foods today, I nearly cried. I remember the hunger I faced. I remember being fed through a tube as a kid. I remember sneaking a piece of turkey lunch meat because I was so hungry.

I can't get this off my mind. One of my mentors at work laid her hands on me and said a special prayer before leaving today. Her kindness and faith brought tears to my eyes since it's beauty touched my heart and my fear squeaked out of me. I could write for hours about my fears but I have to cap it for my own sanity. I beg of you, please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.

While these things have been consuming my mind, other things have gone on. I had my interview with the family. I'm not sure if I'll get the job but I enjoyed meeting the family. I would have to be at work at 6:45am and it's a 15-20 minute ride. On top of that, with working as a cashier, I normally get off at midnight. That doesn't lead to much time for sleep. If I don't nanny for this family, I'd love to still be a sitter when needed.

I received my acceptance letter from the community college. I can register for classes today. I have to wait about two hours until the website resumes from maintenance though. I plan on taking one or two classes online. Maybe this will be the light I need.

Thank you to the readers that I have. It inspires me when I see that people have viewed my posts. It makes me feel like I'm someone that others can relate to, maybe even someone somewhat special. Feel free to give me comments. I'm sorry this was such a downer post. I'm hoping I'll soon go to a theme park so happier posts should come in no time. :)

Just so you know, I'm not going to reread this post currently to correct errors. I'm too tired. It should still be coherent. Sorry for any mistakes.

Holy Cow It's Been This Long???

I can't believe I've blown the blog off for this long. I am truly sorry and realize that all I have done is a disservice to myself since this is therapeutic for me. 

So, what has changed? In many ways, not too much. We're still living in the same place. I'm still working at the same place. There are times when financial matters feel like I'm swimming in a sea without land in sight. One thing has changed: there is a light of hope.

Later on this week, I have an interview with a family that has three children. Two of the children go to school during the day so I would only have to watch over the 4 month old. It would be a full time nanny job. I'm absolutely ecstatic. I do have two other possible nanny options but I want this really bad and it's the most promising lead. The pay would help a ton with rent and other concerns. I'm also stoked because I could finally work with children again! When I am around children, the world seems lighter, happier, and more promising. I feel in my element. Wish me luck!

On another note, I went to the GI doctor for the first time in years. I am going to have another colonoscopy to find out exactly what disorder I have. As a child, I was told I had Crohn's but told I have Ulcerative Colitis when I was older. I've been dealing with more attacks as of late that create sever intestine cramping, sweating, paralyzing pain, sensitivity to light and sound, fatigue, blood in stool, and nausea. It's absolutely horrible. I'm scared to have this test. One: it's a scary test to begin with. Two: I had this as a child and I don't have pleasant memories of these doctor's visits. Three and most importantly: When I had this test done (several times mind you) as a child, it was because the doctor found cancerous polyps. I'm so scared that they will find something dangerous again. My dad is looking into having that day off to be a source of support but I'm doubting he'll be able to be there. The test will be in about a week. Once again, wish me luck. Send your prayers please.

 On top of this, I've also been having problems with my boyfriend. There have been arguments over him respecting me and defending my honor. All couples have problems, and I acknowledge this. I'm sure it'll be something that we'll either get over or sweep under the rug but it sucks that I haven't had a chance to see my counselor.

I had today (technically yesterday) off from work but I don't feel like I accomplished much. I spent the morning hours stressing over financial problems. I wasn't able to fall asleep the night before so I fell asleep at about 2pm and slept on and off throughout the day. I normally don't do this unless my fibro fog and fatigue kicks my butt. When I'm at my job though, I never let it affect my work.

Well, I think I may take care of a few things and go to bed so that I'll be back on track. Things will be okay. They have to be. I'm holding onto this thread of hope and I believe in God, myself, and my family. Prayers and positive vibes are still greatly welcomed. ;)

Hope you all are having a great night sleeping!

Fraps, Kids, and a Crowd of Nerdy Choir Goers

Wow! I wasn't expecting to see that this blog now has 371 pageviews. Awesome! And many thanks to those who have stopped by my blog and read my entries.

For the most part, life has been pretty status quo. It has only been within the past two days that anything special has happened. After I finally paid for the board game, I received it in the mail yesterday. Depending on how tired Dad is when he gets home, I may try to get him to play it with me tonight.

It felt nice to be able to buy groceries yesterday. I now am stocked with Vitamin Water, Mountain Dew, and the other means that get me through the week.I even splurged two pre-mixed daiquiris and a hard lemonade. Oh, how I love the feeling of getting my check. I did finally buy my medicine. It will probably take a week or so to get back into my system properly but I can finally relax about it. Since I had to buy several medicines, it cost me $120. Holy cow! While this is still a large amount for medicine, I'm thankful to have insurance that lowers the cost. I can only imagine what I'd owe if I didn't have it. Sadly, I would more than likely have to choose which medicines to pay for and never fill some of the most expensive ones. Nuts.

While at work yesterday, the team leader of the cafe at work spoke to me. She wants me to be trained for the cafe and work over there! I'm so excited! Maybe this will give me a better perspective on working since it's different than my normal cashiering. Since I'd be available to work both, maybe it'd be a nice break.

I also spoke with a guest that turned out to be the HR coordinator of a respite agency that I've been considering sending in a application to. She encouraged me to do so, explained they'd interview me and then place me with a family that is needing a respite provider with my qualifications.We got to talking and told her about how I learned about the agency through my ex (her family uses respite providers for three of the five kids). After knowing the type of special needs that I've been around, she gave me the names of those at the agency of who to talk about my application. Awesome!

Later in the evening, I spoke with one of the team leaders and she learned that I have a background in working with autistic kids. She is currently looking for someone to provide respite services to her eleven year old who has high functioning autism and asked of my contact information to give to the case worker. How exciting! It ended up being a very productive, exciting night concerning work.

I was lucky enough to have today off. Some of my old friends from high school got together with our former choir teacher for lunch. My boyfriend picked my sister and I up after his work and spent the early part of the afternoon having shakes and talking with friends that we haven't seen in three years. Maybe it's something we'll all do again. It gave us such a great excuse to go out for lunch and actually get out of the house (or work).

I got 99 problems and being rich isn't one of them

It's nearly 4am and I have work at 10am. It's been a couple of off, weird days. Don't get me wrong; there have been some fun times as well.

Things have been tough with finances. Rent is costing everything we have and more. I'm broke, with $17 in my bank account. I don't have enough money to buy my mood stabilizer and fibro medicines. I owe a guy on EBay $18 for a boad game I bidded on two weeks ago. I need to find change, deposit it, and then pay for it. I'm also low on groceries and thank God Dad is able to pay for non perishable food with his check in advanced.

Today was probably my hardest day of work since I started. I forgot my medicine bag at home and no one could bring it today. I was in horrible pain all day and my boss even noticed that I looked sick. I was grateful to come home and take my medicine. I did manage to get a loyalty card even through this junk.

When I came home, Maggie, Dad, and I watched My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding and Pawn Stars. Dad helped me make my bed and we chit chatted about work, music, and what's going on in life. Maggie then spent an hour messaging my back. It has greatly helped reduced my pain. Poor Maggie, she then tripped and her knee is in a lot of pain. She can hardly bare any weight on it or bend it without stabbing pain.

To add to the mix, my boyfriend and I are having a rough time dealing with finding time for one another and how to deal with stress. We haven't had a date in Lord knows how long. It's been months since I had flowers. And the last time we did spent time together was when I washed laundry, he was editing his audio book, and then had dinner with his parents.  Plus, we've had frustrations about arguements. Any suggestions on how to balance work, family, boyfriend, searching for places to live, a car, and more jobs? I miss being a relaxed college kid.

I just noticed this is the weekend that my ex and I broke up a year ago. I no longer have romantic feelings for her but I miss her friendship and her family. Before dating, she was my best friend. We dated for awhile, broke it off, and she hasn't wanted to be friends since. I respect her choice but I do still miss her in that way.

It's now 4:25am. I had to get this off my mind. Thanks for listening.

Battle

Back to work! I had two days off before coming in today. It was a much needed break that I was greatful for yet knew it wouldn't be long enough for me to catch up on things I needed to do. Maggie and I did watch a movie, The Simpson's Movie. I slept a lot since I've been really tired and been dealing with "brain fog" from the fibromyalgia.

Fibro has been messing with everything. It's making me more depressed, tired, frustrated, and like my brain is slowed down. While peope try to understand, no one gets it unless they are going through it as well. People jokingly tease me about needing naps or being tired. For most people, it'd be alright to joke about. For me, it's just a reminder of the battle. I fight hard and constantly, and frankly, I get fed up. But what other option is there? Lay in bed all day? That doesn't sound like much of a life to me.

Work Picnic: May 27th, Memorial Day

I'm on my last break at work. They put together a full grill event with hamburgers, hot dogs, picnic salads, cake, fruit bowls, and cases and cases of pop. Including Mountain Dew. Yay. It's things like this that make me feel like the corporation really does care out the team members.

I can't wait to get home to sleep. I get off at 11:30pm. In the mean time, I hope I can zone some shoes or something. It's driving me nuts to stay at the front lanes. We're either supper busy or dead. Last I knew, it was dead. I pray and pray and pray that I get to zone or reshop softlines.

I took the road more travel

Maggie just had a seizure. Dad and I were both preparing to head to bed since we have work later today/tomorrow. Maggie called us over since she could tell she was getting ready to have a seizure. Dad sat beside her and helped calm us all. Even though we've seen Maggie have seizures before, it's also disturbing and scary to see her muscles contort, her eyes become glazed over, and see her lips turn blue from not breathing. It's a lot to deal with.

I stayed at Maggie's feet during the episode. When she started coming around, I started talking to her, tried to calm her, and held her for a minute before heading to my bed. (Remember, we are still in a hotel with one room for the four of us). Maggie is now sleeping after being exhausted from the episode. I pray she doesn't have anymore tonight.

I worry about her having a seizure while Dad and I are at work. Mom would be the only one available to care for her and she is disabled. She does not have the strength to turn Maggie on her side nor the ability to bend down to the ground, etc, etc. Most of the time, Maggie helps take care of Mom, as do I and Dad. I consider both Mag and I partial caregivers for Mom.

This also scares me because with Mag and I's disabilities and limits, I worry that we can't effectively take care of Mom. It's already sometimes hard balancing work, personal life, and helping around the house. A lot of times, I do the research and make the calls for finding a place for us to stay, search for Craiglists cars, help pay for rent, etc. It's my job and I am not complaining about it. At times I struggle with living this life instead of the one I had planned (getting ready to graduate from college, studying abroad, have a home and a car, have our family healthy, and live without clinical anxiety, mood disorders, and fibromyalgia). While this path is not what I planned, I feel grateful to have a job, have my wonderful family, and have access to resources to improve my health.

Next time, let's hope the posts are more lighthearted, fun, silly, and even mundane.

Maggie's Story and Freud's Theory on Batgirl

Maggie came home yesterday! Yay! She hasn't had a seizure in over 36 hours.

Maggie's actual mom brought Maggie home.* She stayed at our place for over an hour and let us visit her bird, Gabby. Gabby is a red tipped wing parrot. I absolutely adore her. She rests on my shoulder, "preens" me cheeks, let's me kiss her, and she tastes me (this is the way birds get to know you, through their hard tongue that has a bone in it). It was the first time that Mom held a bird. She was nervous at first but melted when she started petting Gabby's feathers. Between Maggie coming home and seeing Gabby, it made yesterday pretty awesome.

*Now to explain the story of how Maggie came into our lives. We went to middle and high school together. We weren't exactly friends and in fact, I disliked her in school. She was friends with my friend. After we graduated high school, Maggie moved into my friend's home, which wasn't healthy or stable. My mom invited her to live with us, away from the drugs, crime activities, etc. She jumped at the chance and has lived with us since December 2010. Over time, she has become a sister to me and a true part of this family.

Now that I explained Maggie's story, I can go on. She and I had a busy day. We cashed her bonds that her grandmother sent her and we both set up accounts. We already have our permanent debit cards. She picked the cat photo on her card and I picked the multi-color paint one. It makes me feel like I accomplished something for once. Later, I went to the library, opened an account, and checked out several books about psychology, fibromyalgia, 2 Batman comics, and 1 Batgirl comic. Score!

Many Prayers Needed for Maggie Moo

In an earlier post, I mentioned that my mother and sister are disabled.  My sister, Maggie, has epilepsy.  She was diagnosed with it back in November of 2011 at the age of 20. (We're the same age and we adopted her after we graduated high school together). Anyways, she was just sent by rescue after having three seizures in a row, status seizures. Dad went with her while I'm here to take care of Mom. It breaks my heart to see her struggle and be in pain. I wish I could have gone with her and Dad in the ambulance.
After the ambulance left, Mom and I held hands and I led us in prayer.  Mom then called Maggie's biological mother to let her know.
Please send prayers and positive thoughts our way.
On top of this, I am suppose to go to work at 11am. My shoulder is still in terrible pain. I'm going to have to call in.  I pray it doesn't put my job in jeopardy.

My Resignition of Being an Adult

It has been a struggle to get through today. I woke up in a lot if pain from my Fibromyalgia. I take medicine for it, including Cymbalta and anti-inflammatory over the counter medicine like generic Advil. Well, I have been without my medicine for the past few days. I had a terrible time sleeping and it felt as if my left hip and knee were rubbing against the bone/cartilage. I had wipe spread pain throughout my entire body. The pain is so intense where it takes my breath away. I imagine that I'm in a tank of piranhas, sharks, and jellyfish. I keep getting stung and my skin burns. The pain (the piranhas and sharks) are eating my flesh, muscles, and nerves. I couldn't get my medicine until it was ready for pick up this evening.

I kept trying to deal with the pain throughout the morning and into the early afternoon. I made myself get ready for work, slap on a smile, and went to work as if everything was alright. Around 4:15pm, I was at my lane and had a man come through with several bags of large dog and cat food and a few bags of 34lbs of pine cat litter. When I lifted it, I must have pulled it from the conveyor belt and pulled my shoulder. I felt a pull and a sharp pain in my left shoulder near my shoulder blade. My supervisor and I had to fill out paperwork and called a hotline number to see if I needed to go to the emergency room. The nurse decided that I didn't need to and left it to me and my supervisor to decide what duties I could do for the rest of my shift. I decided to come home so that I could ice it on and off for 20 minutes, take generic Advil, and Excedrin. I pray that my decision to go home does not reflect badly on my 90 day review that is coming up.

I tried calling my boyfriend several times to come get me but he didn't pick up. I called my grandparents but they were nearly an hour away at an event with my cousin. I was lucky that I had enough money on me to take a cab. When I got home, Mom and Maggie just got home from the pharmacy. I was able to take my medicine for my fibro and have been putting ice on my shoulder.

In the middle of this, I have been making calls to figure other matters out. My sister has a migraine and my parents are completely focused on her. I'm not wanting I be treated like I'm dying or anything but I want them to care for me in the same manner. Why is it when something is wrong with me, there is something more pressing going on with someone else? I'm so stressed out and absolutely alone. I'm tired of this adult gig. I may be 21 but I am not ready to have to take care of all of the family and adult manners that I am forced to deal with. It is taking a toll on my body, mind, and spirit.

For more information on Fibromyalgia and the problems it causes for it's 5.8 million sufferers in the US, go to http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/default.htm . The more you know, the more you can do to help spread awareness and hope.

Chunky Monkey and The Little Mermaid

It's past 2am again and I'm making a frozen pasta meal for Mom. I'm wiped out from working. When I got home (in which was past 11:30 pm since I closed once again), I curled up in my blanket and watched Hot in Cleveland. I have nothing against the show but it was merely on because I was too lazy to change it. I did have a chance to munch on some snacks that I bought at work, like Chunky Monkey ice cream, Chobani yogurt, and Mountain Dew (my vice).

I somehow managed to be scheduled off for Wednesday and Thursday. I'm excited that I will be able to wear my new clothes; an outfit without a certain color that normally dominates my wardrobe due to my uniforms. I finally get to wear my dress!
http://www.target.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/p/xhilaration-juniors-tulip-maxi-dress-assorted-colors/-/A-14428403

That is the link to my dress. It says that it is not sold in stores but I was lucky enough to find it at mine since it's a test store. I just bought a pair of white flip flops to go with it.

My sister and I made a large purchase off of ebay yesterday. We bought six Disney DVDs for $66. Pretty cool, huh? We were able to pick the six that we are getting. We picked: The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Aladdin, Peter Pan, The Lion King, and Aristocats. I'm praying that they'll be here on Friday or Saturday. I'm also bidding on a board game, Aggravation, that I use to love as a kid. Now, I just have to hope that some Jane Doe doesn't scoop it up. It's pretty pathetic that this is what excitement consists of in my life.

I'm thinking of putting some detailed work into a writing project that I started over a year ago. I still have the same ideas, characters, and details in my binder. I miss writing. More importantly, I miss accomplishing creative projects, like the plays in college or writing consistently for my creative writing class. Even though I only work 8 hours a day, the energy that lives in my muscles and spirit is zapped after the 100th transaction of the day.

Speaking of work, I'm had less jerks lately. I'm becoming better friends with some of the other team members. Although there's still one woman who is annoyingly rude. There is always an awkward silence between us when we are working alone at night. I still have the guests who cut me off and are ignorant to the fact that I deserve respect as a human being. I swear, I will soon be entered into the contest of "Who Can Speak the Most in One Breath" because I try to talk about all of the information before they can cut me off. I realize this isn't a very good strategy for getting people to sign up for cards but I'm working on it.

Well, boys and girls, I better get off. My food is probably long cold and I should make myself head to bed. But why do that when all of the good TV shows are on in the middle of the night?

How to Spell Canteloupe and Other Nonsensical Adventures

So, towards the end of an eight hour shift, I nearly fall asleep while at the register. Half of the store was  busy while my side, "Blue World" remained slow throughout the day and made the day drag on at times. My boyfriend took me to work but I had to leave the hotel over an hour before my scheduled start time. To waste some time, I went to the gas station and messed around on the Redbox. Turns out that they were selling Brave for $5! I've wanted the movie for a while and if I would have bought it at work, it easily would have cost over $20. Score!

After work, I bought Mom a Yankee candle and two cards, one from the cat and one from myself. Since being off, I've resolved to not accomplishing anything until now. The only reason I'm writing this is because I'm making my Healthy Choice meal in the lobby and don't want to pace between the ice machine and the outside door.

While on my break today, I splurged on myself. The store has carried an adorable hi-lo dress that's cantaloupe on the top, coral on the bottom, but is had never been in my size. Well, the shopping gods stocked the women's department and the dress came in my size! I scooped it up along with a heather gray cardigan and a deep purple maxi skirt. What a great way to kick off the nice weather we had today!