Holy Cow It's Been This Long???

I can't believe I've blown the blog off for this long. I am truly sorry and realize that all I have done is a disservice to myself since this is therapeutic for me. 

So, what has changed? In many ways, not too much. We're still living in the same place. I'm still working at the same place. There are times when financial matters feel like I'm swimming in a sea without land in sight. One thing has changed: there is a light of hope.

Later on this week, I have an interview with a family that has three children. Two of the children go to school during the day so I would only have to watch over the 4 month old. It would be a full time nanny job. I'm absolutely ecstatic. I do have two other possible nanny options but I want this really bad and it's the most promising lead. The pay would help a ton with rent and other concerns. I'm also stoked because I could finally work with children again! When I am around children, the world seems lighter, happier, and more promising. I feel in my element. Wish me luck!

On another note, I went to the GI doctor for the first time in years. I am going to have another colonoscopy to find out exactly what disorder I have. As a child, I was told I had Crohn's but told I have Ulcerative Colitis when I was older. I've been dealing with more attacks as of late that create sever intestine cramping, sweating, paralyzing pain, sensitivity to light and sound, fatigue, blood in stool, and nausea. It's absolutely horrible. I'm scared to have this test. One: it's a scary test to begin with. Two: I had this as a child and I don't have pleasant memories of these doctor's visits. Three and most importantly: When I had this test done (several times mind you) as a child, it was because the doctor found cancerous polyps. I'm so scared that they will find something dangerous again. My dad is looking into having that day off to be a source of support but I'm doubting he'll be able to be there. The test will be in about a week. Once again, wish me luck. Send your prayers please.

 On top of this, I've also been having problems with my boyfriend. There have been arguments over him respecting me and defending my honor. All couples have problems, and I acknowledge this. I'm sure it'll be something that we'll either get over or sweep under the rug but it sucks that I haven't had a chance to see my counselor.

I had today (technically yesterday) off from work but I don't feel like I accomplished much. I spent the morning hours stressing over financial problems. I wasn't able to fall asleep the night before so I fell asleep at about 2pm and slept on and off throughout the day. I normally don't do this unless my fibro fog and fatigue kicks my butt. When I'm at my job though, I never let it affect my work.

Well, I think I may take care of a few things and go to bed so that I'll be back on track. Things will be okay. They have to be. I'm holding onto this thread of hope and I believe in God, myself, and my family. Prayers and positive vibes are still greatly welcomed. ;)

Hope you all are having a great night sleeping!

Fraps, Kids, and a Crowd of Nerdy Choir Goers

Wow! I wasn't expecting to see that this blog now has 371 pageviews. Awesome! And many thanks to those who have stopped by my blog and read my entries.

For the most part, life has been pretty status quo. It has only been within the past two days that anything special has happened. After I finally paid for the board game, I received it in the mail yesterday. Depending on how tired Dad is when he gets home, I may try to get him to play it with me tonight.

It felt nice to be able to buy groceries yesterday. I now am stocked with Vitamin Water, Mountain Dew, and the other means that get me through the week.I even splurged two pre-mixed daiquiris and a hard lemonade. Oh, how I love the feeling of getting my check. I did finally buy my medicine. It will probably take a week or so to get back into my system properly but I can finally relax about it. Since I had to buy several medicines, it cost me $120. Holy cow! While this is still a large amount for medicine, I'm thankful to have insurance that lowers the cost. I can only imagine what I'd owe if I didn't have it. Sadly, I would more than likely have to choose which medicines to pay for and never fill some of the most expensive ones. Nuts.

While at work yesterday, the team leader of the cafe at work spoke to me. She wants me to be trained for the cafe and work over there! I'm so excited! Maybe this will give me a better perspective on working since it's different than my normal cashiering. Since I'd be available to work both, maybe it'd be a nice break.

I also spoke with a guest that turned out to be the HR coordinator of a respite agency that I've been considering sending in a application to. She encouraged me to do so, explained they'd interview me and then place me with a family that is needing a respite provider with my qualifications.We got to talking and told her about how I learned about the agency through my ex (her family uses respite providers for three of the five kids). After knowing the type of special needs that I've been around, she gave me the names of those at the agency of who to talk about my application. Awesome!

Later in the evening, I spoke with one of the team leaders and she learned that I have a background in working with autistic kids. She is currently looking for someone to provide respite services to her eleven year old who has high functioning autism and asked of my contact information to give to the case worker. How exciting! It ended up being a very productive, exciting night concerning work.

I was lucky enough to have today off. Some of my old friends from high school got together with our former choir teacher for lunch. My boyfriend picked my sister and I up after his work and spent the early part of the afternoon having shakes and talking with friends that we haven't seen in three years. Maybe it's something we'll all do again. It gave us such a great excuse to go out for lunch and actually get out of the house (or work).

I got 99 problems and being rich isn't one of them

It's nearly 4am and I have work at 10am. It's been a couple of off, weird days. Don't get me wrong; there have been some fun times as well.

Things have been tough with finances. Rent is costing everything we have and more. I'm broke, with $17 in my bank account. I don't have enough money to buy my mood stabilizer and fibro medicines. I owe a guy on EBay $18 for a boad game I bidded on two weeks ago. I need to find change, deposit it, and then pay for it. I'm also low on groceries and thank God Dad is able to pay for non perishable food with his check in advanced.

Today was probably my hardest day of work since I started. I forgot my medicine bag at home and no one could bring it today. I was in horrible pain all day and my boss even noticed that I looked sick. I was grateful to come home and take my medicine. I did manage to get a loyalty card even through this junk.

When I came home, Maggie, Dad, and I watched My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding and Pawn Stars. Dad helped me make my bed and we chit chatted about work, music, and what's going on in life. Maggie then spent an hour messaging my back. It has greatly helped reduced my pain. Poor Maggie, she then tripped and her knee is in a lot of pain. She can hardly bare any weight on it or bend it without stabbing pain.

To add to the mix, my boyfriend and I are having a rough time dealing with finding time for one another and how to deal with stress. We haven't had a date in Lord knows how long. It's been months since I had flowers. And the last time we did spent time together was when I washed laundry, he was editing his audio book, and then had dinner with his parents.  Plus, we've had frustrations about arguements. Any suggestions on how to balance work, family, boyfriend, searching for places to live, a car, and more jobs? I miss being a relaxed college kid.

I just noticed this is the weekend that my ex and I broke up a year ago. I no longer have romantic feelings for her but I miss her friendship and her family. Before dating, she was my best friend. We dated for awhile, broke it off, and she hasn't wanted to be friends since. I respect her choice but I do still miss her in that way.

It's now 4:25am. I had to get this off my mind. Thanks for listening.

Battle

Back to work! I had two days off before coming in today. It was a much needed break that I was greatful for yet knew it wouldn't be long enough for me to catch up on things I needed to do. Maggie and I did watch a movie, The Simpson's Movie. I slept a lot since I've been really tired and been dealing with "brain fog" from the fibromyalgia.

Fibro has been messing with everything. It's making me more depressed, tired, frustrated, and like my brain is slowed down. While peope try to understand, no one gets it unless they are going through it as well. People jokingly tease me about needing naps or being tired. For most people, it'd be alright to joke about. For me, it's just a reminder of the battle. I fight hard and constantly, and frankly, I get fed up. But what other option is there? Lay in bed all day? That doesn't sound like much of a life to me.

Work Picnic: May 27th, Memorial Day

I'm on my last break at work. They put together a full grill event with hamburgers, hot dogs, picnic salads, cake, fruit bowls, and cases and cases of pop. Including Mountain Dew. Yay. It's things like this that make me feel like the corporation really does care out the team members.

I can't wait to get home to sleep. I get off at 11:30pm. In the mean time, I hope I can zone some shoes or something. It's driving me nuts to stay at the front lanes. We're either supper busy or dead. Last I knew, it was dead. I pray and pray and pray that I get to zone or reshop softlines.

I took the road more travel

Maggie just had a seizure. Dad and I were both preparing to head to bed since we have work later today/tomorrow. Maggie called us over since she could tell she was getting ready to have a seizure. Dad sat beside her and helped calm us all. Even though we've seen Maggie have seizures before, it's also disturbing and scary to see her muscles contort, her eyes become glazed over, and see her lips turn blue from not breathing. It's a lot to deal with.

I stayed at Maggie's feet during the episode. When she started coming around, I started talking to her, tried to calm her, and held her for a minute before heading to my bed. (Remember, we are still in a hotel with one room for the four of us). Maggie is now sleeping after being exhausted from the episode. I pray she doesn't have anymore tonight.

I worry about her having a seizure while Dad and I are at work. Mom would be the only one available to care for her and she is disabled. She does not have the strength to turn Maggie on her side nor the ability to bend down to the ground, etc, etc. Most of the time, Maggie helps take care of Mom, as do I and Dad. I consider both Mag and I partial caregivers for Mom.

This also scares me because with Mag and I's disabilities and limits, I worry that we can't effectively take care of Mom. It's already sometimes hard balancing work, personal life, and helping around the house. A lot of times, I do the research and make the calls for finding a place for us to stay, search for Craiglists cars, help pay for rent, etc. It's my job and I am not complaining about it. At times I struggle with living this life instead of the one I had planned (getting ready to graduate from college, studying abroad, have a home and a car, have our family healthy, and live without clinical anxiety, mood disorders, and fibromyalgia). While this path is not what I planned, I feel grateful to have a job, have my wonderful family, and have access to resources to improve my health.

Next time, let's hope the posts are more lighthearted, fun, silly, and even mundane.

Maggie's Story and Freud's Theory on Batgirl

Maggie came home yesterday! Yay! She hasn't had a seizure in over 36 hours.

Maggie's actual mom brought Maggie home.* She stayed at our place for over an hour and let us visit her bird, Gabby. Gabby is a red tipped wing parrot. I absolutely adore her. She rests on my shoulder, "preens" me cheeks, let's me kiss her, and she tastes me (this is the way birds get to know you, through their hard tongue that has a bone in it). It was the first time that Mom held a bird. She was nervous at first but melted when she started petting Gabby's feathers. Between Maggie coming home and seeing Gabby, it made yesterday pretty awesome.

*Now to explain the story of how Maggie came into our lives. We went to middle and high school together. We weren't exactly friends and in fact, I disliked her in school. She was friends with my friend. After we graduated high school, Maggie moved into my friend's home, which wasn't healthy or stable. My mom invited her to live with us, away from the drugs, crime activities, etc. She jumped at the chance and has lived with us since December 2010. Over time, she has become a sister to me and a true part of this family.

Now that I explained Maggie's story, I can go on. She and I had a busy day. We cashed her bonds that her grandmother sent her and we both set up accounts. We already have our permanent debit cards. She picked the cat photo on her card and I picked the multi-color paint one. It makes me feel like I accomplished something for once. Later, I went to the library, opened an account, and checked out several books about psychology, fibromyalgia, 2 Batman comics, and 1 Batgirl comic. Score!