I cannot even begin to describe the pain I felt as the doctor came into the family waiting room to tell us. I knew in my heart that she wouldn't make it this time but I so badly wanted and prayed that she would fight back like she had every time before. Remember, this was the woman who had a stroke, heart attack, fell into two medically induced comas, had been on the ventilator several times, fell into a diabetic coma, had brain surgery, and nearly hemorrhaged to death while giving birth to me. She was a tough cookie but for some reason, she couldn't fight through this. Maggie and I felt like she was ready to go. After enduring dialysis, it took all of her energy and she couldn't fight.
Sure, a lot of people think about all that she and I will miss out on like when I try on wedding dresses, or when I have a child. But the true tragedy is not being able to go to her when I wake from a bad dream or when I can't tell her a funny story about what happened at work. Yes, big moments are defining attributes of our lives but the real moments that color in the lines of our once blank canvas are the everyday interactions with the ones that we love and value.
It has been a month since she passed away. I suffered from constant nightmares for three weeks after it happened. It became so unbearable that I refused to sleep. I still have the nightmares but they aren't nearly as often. I feel like I can get a grip on it at the very least. I still have a very hard time sleeping. My eating patterns are bizarre- the only things that ever really taste good are greek yogurt and chocolate-peanut butter Easter eggs. Because of course that makes sense.
The family has been trying to support one another. I have more contact with my mother's sisters and my grandparents. Maggie and I have patched things up. The most surprising change has been that we now have some contact with my dad's sister. We haven't talked to her for years. We talked to her after the visitation and she and my cousin came to the funereal. I talk to my aunt on Facebook and it's been comforting having contact with her again.
In this constant search for finding a "new life" after losing my mother, life has kept moving forward. I actually went to Kansas City with my boyfriend and his family for the Big 12 Tournament. It was a convenient distraction. After the trip, I went back to work for my first week back. I've been making some new friends as my company has been hiring a lot of new people. I've been talking to one of the new guys through text. I think he and some of the other new people could become friends I trust.Also I had my annual work review. It wasn't perfect but my boss told me she's seen a lot of improvement in the past few months and I ended up getting a raise! It's my first raise, EVER. So excited!
In the past few weeks I also went to the circus with Maggie and my dad. Maggie and I rode an elephant! A lovely woman took pictures on my cell so we could scrapbook it later. We ate unhealthy, overly priced food, watched plenty of acts, and I made sure to get a bunch of pictures with the clowns,
I don't know what the future holds and how I will get there but one thing I have learned is that humans are highly adaptable. This doesn't mean that the transition is easy but we adapt to what we need to become and how to find happiness in life. After all, that's what we all are truly wanting, right?