Saturday, January 11, 2014

What's Worth Fighting For?

It's been a sucky time. I've been arguing with my sister. For those of you that don't know, my family took her in after she was living in a not so wonderful environment after both her and I graduated high school. She moved in with us when she was 19- only three years ago.

Siblings bicker and fight. I know that. But I can't stand this. There is so much bitterness  and resentment. I know my hands aren't clean but my family seems to believe that she can't do any wrong. I have a long standing feeling of frustration because I go to work to help support the family yet she doesn't. In fact, I rarely get anything for myself due to lack of money but she smokes so she gets things when I don't. If she were working, I wouldn't care. My main problems deal with how my family treats her, which isn't necessarily her fault, but she doesn't help them. She doesn't have the responsibilities I have. While these are the main problems, I feel like the list continues to grow each day.

The fighting has became unbearable. When Mom left for dialysis, I said that we had to talk. For the sake of our relationship. She didn't care and split as soon as Mom was out of the room. She and the others in my family are really making me feel like I'm disposable. I really don't matter. With how she left, I've never felt so abandoned by her. But maybe I need to detach for my own sake. Still, that doesn't help now.

Here I am: 22 years old, swimming in college debt, working a job that allows me to help support my family but not enough to support me living on my own (especially to have my own health insurance since that's very important). I'm without a degree, unable to reach my dreams. I'm not close to most of my friends anymore since my life has taken a drastic turn since leaving college.

When I feel as overwhelmed as I do, I don't know how to cope. I listen to music but it just compounds how I'm feeling. I use to cut and I still fight urges. I'm 22 and lack any real coping mechanisms. And I attended college for psychology. You would think that I'd know how to deal with life by now.

I have work later today (of course, I also do) so I'm going to try taking a nap while Mom's gone. I have no clue how to handle the recent blow up with my "sister". I can't be the only one giving energy into making this work.

Until she comes back, I can't even eat since she has the debit card and I need it to go to the cafeteria.

Please comment with ideas?

Listening to: Unbreakable Heart by Three Days Grace
Reading: Insurgent by Veronica Roth
Watching: Criminal Minds

Friday, January 10, 2014


Since I last wrote, we have moved twice. We moved into an apartment right after I turned 22 in September. At the time, Mom was in the hospital the day that we signed the lease. I stayed at the hospital with her while Dad and Maggie packed. My boyfriend, Michael, and his aunt and uncle helped us move.

I loved the apartment. We lived right by a mall, tons of restaurants, and had really sweet neighbors. In November, I had trouble with my bank account and one of my checks was eaten up by bank fees. My account was closed and I was suppose to receive my next check in a paper format. Instead, my work somehow sent my check to some account to a bank that I have never gone to. I finally received that check after a month of waiting. I went nearly six weeks without being able to use my wages. The apartment complex filed for eviction and we had to appear in court. If we could pay it in court, everything would be fine. Due to this, I had to ask a friend for $50 to pay for rent. Everything was set. Then, on the day of court, Michael's car ran out of gas when getting my sister and I. We were late to court, the eviction was set, and we lost our place. The first real place we had had in years. I'm still devastated and am scared of how this is going to effect future rental prospects. For the time being, we're in a motel that's way too small, has three phone lines for the entire building, is crawling with roaches, and have to pay $1,000 a month. I'm thankful for the place but it makes me horribly depressed. I'm determined to get my life back on track. Even if that means venturing out on my own (but with an eviction on my record, how in the world do I get a place???).

Within the past month, Dad has had problems with kidney stones. He ended up getting staff infection, was in the hospital for a week, missed work for two weeks, still has to take meds through an IV, and just went back to work on Wednesday. My sister and Mom were also released from the hospital this week- Mom also had staff infection and Maggie was put on a ventilator after having a single seizure for 45 minutes. Everything was starting to be okay. Until yesterday. Mom's dialysis catheter came out when she woke from a nap. She was hemorrhaging blood. The entire blanket and pillow was/is soaked with blood (we have to throw it away since there is no use in saving them). Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She is suppose to have another catheter put in today. My nose still stings from the strong smell of blood. I normally can keep my cool but between seeing how much blood was on the bed, seeing what a mess the paramedics left for me (they put our microwave stand outside, in the snow and left it- and I'm not strong enough to lift it, for instance), I let myself have a small meltdown. I was trying to put something away, had rotten cottage cheese spill on me since they placed the garbage sack in the way, and was unable to reach the fridge. It was just the icing on the cake. I took the zip lock baggies of meat and cheese and banged them against the counter. I had to have a small, temporary moment of insanity.

In the midst of all this, I'm on a 2nd level probation at work due to attendance. I have had to miss for emergencies, like when Mom has been taken by ambulance before. I missed once or twice in the past year for being sick. My work is even holding it against me when I had to seek medical treatment for workman's compensation when I smacked my hand against the metal rack when pulling sacks apart. I need to talk to the HR department about that matter because it should not be held against me.

Anyways, I have received very little sleep and have work today. I have no clue when I'm scheduled since I forgot to grab my schedule on my way out yesterday. I'll have to call. I hope it's in the mid afternoon. I really am so exhausted with everything.

How am I coping? I don't know. I've been reading the Divergent and Hunger Game series a lot. I also used my Christmas money to buy a Playstation 3. I'm pretty psyched. I own a few of my favorite games as well as some TV episodes.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I promise I'll update more often.

Til next time,