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Night for the Bride

Maggie and I went to a Mary Kay party the other night for one of our long time friends. Our friend, Steph, is getting married in June and won a Mary Kay party for her and her bridesmaids. We had a blast. Besides spending time together, we were able to sample products from the line. It gave Steph a great chance to test out a natural look for the wedding along with us all learning some new tips. I came to the party with the intent to buy. After trying different items and learning how to apply certain products, we each had a little meeting with the representative. Maggie and I decided to buy the day/night serum set along with the highlighting pen. I desperately needed the pen. Steph had a chance to buy some things as well and is looking forward to trying everything before the big day. How exciting for her!

I am considering joining one of the cosmetic companies. I use to be a part of Avon a year ago but never really did too well with it. I haven't since looked into it but the representative thinks I would do well in the company. I am worried about the start up cost but maybe it will be worth it. The representative is going to call me this morning around 10am to talk about it. I would like to make some extra cash and I enjoy beauty products. I don't know. Maybe this call in the morning will help me make my decision.

After the get together, Steph, Maggie, and I decided to get some food and a drink. The place we went to was deserted. Besides the three of us, there was an elderly gentleman and two women. That's it. Besides the tater tots and mozz sticks, we had the bartender try a few drinks out on Maggie since she's never really tried too many things other than a malt beer.

It felt great to finally do something. After coming home, I went straight to bed. We are planning on getting together again soon.

"Winter just wasn't my season"

Breathe by Anna Nalick

So it's been a year since I've written anything. In regards to blogging, writing my poetry or prose, anything. I've lacked any motivation to create anything since losing my mother.

Nothing has really changed except for who I am. Losing my mother had given me more perspective of how grateful I am for my family. My dad, sister, and I have never been closer. I don't know what I'd do without them or my boyfriend.

Since her passing, I have dealt with night terrors concerning her passing. They are normally about her being dead and something horrible happens, or I'm watching the whole scene again. On the night of her passing, Maggie (my sister) and I watched everything. We tried saving her life before the paramedics came. I felt her cool skin and the stillness within her. I watched the paramedics shock her, do CPR, and a variety of other things. It's been over a year since she left us and most of the time I feel the same anguish I did that first month after her passing. I want to do something meaningful to celebrate her but I'm clueless on where to begin.

My grandma has created something spectacular. In her back yard, she has created a garden to celebrate her daughter that she lost all to soon. It's filled with beautiful pink roses and other flowers. The main color is pink since it was my mom's favorite color. She planted numerous tulip bulbs last fall and they are starting to sprout. The garden has a Mickey Mouse in it, as my mom was a HUGE Mickey fan. There's a beautiful sitting bench. Solar angel lights. It's breathtaking. I'm so proud and grateful she has done this, not only for herself but as a peaceful sanctuary for us all.

Maybe at some point, when it doesn't hurt as badly, I can write a biography about my mother. She is such a beautiful, brilliant, nurturing soul; I say is because I feel in my best that she isn't truly gone. As long as I live on, her blood runs through me. I notice that I am beginning to look more and more like her daily. When ever I paint my nails, it takes me aback because my hand suddenly looks just like my mother's. In a picture of when she was little, I see that I looked just like her as a small girl. I see her attending in front of me in the mirror, my mother fifteen years ago when I'd watch her get ready for work. She looked beautiful, graceful, and sophisticated with her high heels, nail polish, work clothes, and smooth skin. I idolized her and in many ways still do. I don't think I'll ever be as beautiful or smart as she was but I see her features in my face and body. I even have the small pinky toe nail like she had. It makes me smile that we have the same little quirks.

Beside dealing with her passing, I've been working pretty steadily at my same job. I just celebrated being at this job for two years. I did have to take a month of medical leave of absence due to a major flare up of Fibromyalgia back in December.

Socially, I'm doing somewhat better. I reconnected with talking to one of my exes. We dated briefly and haven't spoke since the breakup. I talk to her from time to time. It's been comforting since she use to be a close friend of mine. I also just reconnected with someone I once considered to be my first girlfriend, my first love, but more importantly, a close friend for years after we split.

We haven't talked after I said that I still had feelings for her four years ago. My medicine along with my bipolar messed with my emotions and I wasn't actually in love with her. None the less, it freaked her out. She was in a relationship with a woman she thought she was going to marry and her girlfriend despised me. I also really hated the girlfriend because she caused a lot of trouble between Stephanie and I. Including being the reason we broke up in the first place. Now, that was nearly ten years ago. Anyways, the past is in the past. We started talking a few weeks ago. I've missed her so greatly. I hope she never decides it's too much to handle with us being friends again. She was one of the only people I trusted and could be myself with as a teen. We've both changed as we've became adults. With experience comes enlightenment. She had since split with her now ex (even though her ex probably wasn't a horrible person, I'm SO glad). She has since met a wonderful woman whom she hopes to marry. I'm so happy for her.

My boyfriend, Michael, is graduating from college in a month. I'm so proud of him. I met him when he had just turned fifteen years old. He has turned into a remarkable man and I can't wait to marry him. We're hoping to get engaged within a year. I have never felt more sure of a decision in my life.

I haven't slept at all and have been up for about 24 hours. Crazy! Anyways, I'm going to consciously work on this blog. I know others go through similar issues and hey, maybe we can walk this journey together.

He Choose Me

In the time that has passed, I have been working towards making my life better. I bought a bike to ride to my appointments. I also now have a computer so that I can start taking some online classes. Which also means I can write more frequently and even have some fun.

I was also able to convince my dad to allow me to get another cat as a means of therapy. When I lost Marmalade in April, it completely broke my heart. Besides being like a child to me, she served as a therapy animal that helped with my depression, pain, sleep, etc. Marmalade also helped my sister know when she was about to have a seizure and would help calm her during the process. While no being of any kind will be another Marmalade, I knew that I needed to find a cat that would love me.

Maggie (my sister for those who have not read my previous posts) and I went to our local animal rescue shelter. We saw a bunch of cats online, more that I can even count, but we were floored when we saw that the cats online were merely a small percentage of those at the center. There were rooms upon rooms full of cats. It was depressing and I wish I could have saved them all.

After starting the application process, we looked through the different rooms. The cats looked like they were in the window of a shop. The cat beds, glass panels, and ability for 2-3 cats to be in one section to bond helped make it feel a bit less like a kitty orphanage but rather a shop at a mall. First off, I found a kitten that was 12-18 weeks old. Her name is Munchkin. We took her into the "Hug Room" and she immediately melted my heart. She loved to play and cuddled up against my chest. My only concern was that since we have an older cat with behavioral/mental health problems the kitty may not be able to defend herself if a cat fight happened.

The second cat was Mark. At the age of 1.5 years old, he was still playful but not as needy as Munchkin. He clicked with Maggie and he was her pick. Since it was up to me to pick out the cat, I declined against him because he seemed too aloof and independent.

Then, as we were waiting to see Munchkin again, Maggie saw a cat, Butterscotch, in the top corner and she cleaned his eye (we were on the caged side at this point). He rubbed up against the metal and batted at Maggie playfully. Since Munchkin wasn't available yet, we decided to see him. In the room, he loved the play toys, even jumped onto the door at full speed, and had us cracking up. As the volunteer came to take him back, he went the other way, jumped onto the bench, and laid on my lap/chest. The volunteer chuckled and gave us another moment. I looked into his golden eyes and held him. I whispered, "Would you be my kitty? Are you the one?" By holding him and seeing those beautiful eyes, my heart swelled and my eyes began to water. I looked at Maggie. This is my kitty.

I was overjoyed to bring him home. We renamed him to "Sammy". He adapted quickly to our home and he is fine with the other cats. They, on the other hand, are still adjusting to him. He snuggles with us. He plays and sleeps as if it's a constant cycle. And besides his amazing personality, he's a huge kitty! With being only a year and a half old, he's around 20lbs! I feel as if God, my mom, and Marmalade guided me to him. In the end, he chose me.

BTW, it's my sister who is in the last picture.

  

The Meaning of a New Life

It has been months since I last wrote. An unimaginable amount of crap has happened. Above all else, I am deeply saddened to report that my mother passed away on March 2, 2014. She had been discharged from the hospital at Friday afternoon, said to be medically stable. She was sitting up in bed that Saturday night (technically Sunday morning since it was 1:30am) when she fell back and her eyes rolled back. I called 991 as Maggie performed CPR. The medics revived her but lost her on the way to the ambulance.

I cannot even begin to describe the pain I felt as the doctor came into the family waiting room to tell us. I knew in my heart that she wouldn't make it this time but I so badly wanted and prayed that she would fight back like she had every time before. Remember, this was the woman who had a stroke, heart attack, fell into two medically induced comas, had been on the ventilator several times, fell into a diabetic coma, had brain surgery, and nearly hemorrhaged to death while giving birth to me. She was a tough cookie but for some reason, she couldn't fight through this. Maggie and I felt like she was ready to go. After enduring dialysis, it took all of her energy and she couldn't fight.

Sure, a lot of people think about all that she and I will miss out on like when I try on wedding dresses, or when I have a child. But the true tragedy is not being able to go to her when I wake from a bad dream or when I can't tell her a funny story about what happened at work. Yes, big moments are defining attributes of our lives but the real moments that color in the lines of our once blank canvas are the everyday interactions with the ones that we love and value. 

It has been a month since she passed away. I suffered from constant nightmares for three weeks after it happened. It became so unbearable that I refused to sleep. I still have the nightmares but they aren't nearly as often. I feel like I can get a grip on it at the very least. I still have a very hard time sleeping. My eating patterns are bizarre- the only things that ever really taste good are greek yogurt and chocolate-peanut butter Easter eggs. Because of course that makes sense.

The family has been trying to support one another. I have more contact with my mother's sisters and my grandparents. Maggie and I have patched things up. The most surprising change has been that we now have some contact with my dad's sister. We haven't talked to her for years. We talked to her after the visitation and she and my cousin came to the funereal. I talk to my aunt on Facebook and it's been comforting having contact with her again.

In this constant search for finding a "new life" after losing my mother, life has kept moving forward. I actually went to Kansas City with my boyfriend and his family for the Big 12 Tournament. It was a convenient distraction. After the trip, I went back to work for my first week back. I've been making some new friends as my company has been hiring a lot of new people. I've been talking to one of the new guys through text. I think he and some of the other new people could become friends I trust.Also I had my annual work review. It wasn't perfect but my boss told me she's seen a lot of improvement in the past few months and I ended up getting a raise! It's my first raise, EVER. So excited! 

In the past few weeks I also went to the circus with Maggie and my dad. Maggie and I rode an elephant! A lovely woman took pictures on my cell so we could scrapbook it later. We ate unhealthy, overly priced food, watched plenty of acts, and I made sure to get a bunch of pictures with the clowns, 

I don't know what the future holds and how I will get there but one thing I have learned is that humans are highly adaptable. This doesn't mean that the transition is easy but we adapt to what we need to become and how to find happiness in life. After all, that's what we all are truly wanting, right?

What's Worth Fighting For?

It's been a sucky time. I've been arguing with my sister. For those of you that don't know, my family took her in after she was living in a not so wonderful environment after both her and I graduated high school. She moved in with us when she was 19- only three years ago.

Siblings bicker and fight. I know that. But I can't stand this. There is so much bitterness  and resentment. I know my hands aren't clean but my family seems to believe that she can't do any wrong. I have a long standing feeling of frustration because I go to work to help support the family yet she doesn't. In fact, I rarely get anything for myself due to lack of money but she smokes so she gets things when I don't. If she were working, I wouldn't care. My main problems deal with how my family treats her, which isn't necessarily her fault, but she doesn't help them. She doesn't have the responsibilities I have. While these are the main problems, I feel like the list continues to grow each day.

The fighting has became unbearable. When Mom left for dialysis, I said that we had to talk. For the sake of our relationship. She didn't care and split as soon as Mom was out of the room. She and the others in my family are really making me feel like I'm disposable. I really don't matter. With how she left, I've never felt so abandoned by her. But maybe I need to detach for my own sake. Still, that doesn't help now.

Here I am: 22 years old, swimming in college debt, working a job that allows me to help support my family but not enough to support me living on my own (especially to have my own health insurance since that's very important). I'm without a degree, unable to reach my dreams. I'm not close to most of my friends anymore since my life has taken a drastic turn since leaving college.

When I feel as overwhelmed as I do, I don't know how to cope. I listen to music but it just compounds how I'm feeling. I use to cut and I still fight urges. I'm 22 and lack any real coping mechanisms. And I attended college for psychology. You would think that I'd know how to deal with life by now.

I have work later today (of course, I also do) so I'm going to try taking a nap while Mom's gone. I have no clue how to handle the recent blow up with my "sister". I can't be the only one giving energy into making this work.

Until she comes back, I can't even eat since she has the debit card and I need it to go to the cafeteria.

Please comment with ideas?

Listening to: Unbreakable Heart by Three Days Grace
Reading: Insurgent by Veronica Roth
Watching: Criminal Minds

Overload

Since I last wrote, we have moved twice. We moved into an apartment right after I turned 22 in September. At the time, Mom was in the hospital the day that we signed the lease. I stayed at the hospital with her while Dad and Maggie packed. My boyfriend, Michael, and his aunt and uncle helped us move.

I loved the apartment. We lived right by a mall, tons of restaurants, and had really sweet neighbors. In November, I had trouble with my bank account and one of my checks was eaten up by bank fees. My account was closed and I was suppose to receive my next check in a paper format. Instead, my work somehow sent my check to some account to a bank that I have never gone to. I finally received that check after a month of waiting. I went nearly six weeks without being able to use my wages. The apartment complex filed for eviction and we had to appear in court. If we could pay it in court, everything would be fine. Due to this, I had to ask a friend for $50 to pay for rent. Everything was set. Then, on the day of court, Michael's car ran out of gas when getting my sister and I. We were late to court, the eviction was set, and we lost our place. The first real place we had had in years. I'm still devastated and am scared of how this is going to effect future rental prospects. For the time being, we're in a motel that's way too small, has three phone lines for the entire building, is crawling with roaches, and have to pay $1,000 a month. I'm thankful for the place but it makes me horribly depressed. I'm determined to get my life back on track. Even if that means venturing out on my own (but with an eviction on my record, how in the world do I get a place???).

Within the past month, Dad has had problems with kidney stones. He ended up getting staff infection, was in the hospital for a week, missed work for two weeks, still has to take meds through an IV, and just went back to work on Wednesday. My sister and Mom were also released from the hospital this week- Mom also had staff infection and Maggie was put on a ventilator after having a single seizure for 45 minutes. Everything was starting to be okay. Until yesterday. Mom's dialysis catheter came out when she woke from a nap. She was hemorrhaging blood. The entire blanket and pillow was/is soaked with blood (we have to throw it away since there is no use in saving them). Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She is suppose to have another catheter put in today. My nose still stings from the strong smell of blood. I normally can keep my cool but between seeing how much blood was on the bed, seeing what a mess the paramedics left for me (they put our microwave stand outside, in the snow and left it- and I'm not strong enough to lift it, for instance), I let myself have a small meltdown. I was trying to put something away, had rotten cottage cheese spill on me since they placed the garbage sack in the way, and was unable to reach the fridge. It was just the icing on the cake. I took the zip lock baggies of meat and cheese and banged them against the counter. I had to have a small, temporary moment of insanity.

In the midst of all this, I'm on a 2nd level probation at work due to attendance. I have had to miss for emergencies, like when Mom has been taken by ambulance before. I missed once or twice in the past year for being sick. My work is even holding it against me when I had to seek medical treatment for workman's compensation when I smacked my hand against the metal rack when pulling sacks apart. I need to talk to the HR department about that matter because it should not be held against me.

Anyways, I have received very little sleep and have work today. I have no clue when I'm scheduled since I forgot to grab my schedule on my way out yesterday. I'll have to call. I hope it's in the mid afternoon. I really am so exhausted with everything.

How am I coping? I don't know. I've been reading the Divergent and Hunger Game series a lot. I also used my Christmas money to buy a Playstation 3. I'm pretty psyched. I own a few of my favorite games as well as some TV episodes.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I promise I'll update more often.

Til next time,
Meredith