Friday, August 9, 2013
On Wednesday, I was on the clear fluid diet and it wasn't too terrible. I ate a lot of Jello and made soup in which my mom ate the noodles. For some reason I didn't have much of an appetite (I'll be thankful for that in this instance). I also had to drink the bowel prep liquid. Disgusting! I had to drink one bottle at night and another in the morning. When I started drinking at night, I kept throwing up. I mixed with water and orange juice. The stuff is just too bitter and salty. Finally, after three hours later, I had it all down but after each gulp I had to take a drink of Mountain Dew since the sweetness cut the salt/bitter. The liquid is designed to make you go to the bathroom so word of advice, drink something like Gatorade a few days prior and while on the clear liquid diet. Otherwise, you will become shaky, weak, and have a horrible headache. I ended up falling asleep next to my sister and mom as they were rubbing my back. I finally felt relaxed.
In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. In order to go back to sleep, I had to drink the prep. This time, I mixed it with pure orange juice and chased it from the start. I got it down within 5 minutes. I drank it like a boss!
I went to the procedure with Dad and my boyfriend.They weighed me before I had to get into a gown and I'm officially 27 lbs lighter than my heaviest!!! Before I went into the procedure room, I had Dad come back to see me. I was crying and anxious. When the nurse got me ready, we were talking about where I work and she gave me some meds. I didn't sleep throughout the procedure. The medicine didn't touch me. In fact,the nurse had to tell me to keep trying to relax and stop talking. The actual procedure was NOT painful. The results came back with nothing giving clear answers. Everything looked okay. They did take some biopsies and I will have to have some lab work done to figure a few more things out. While I'm glad everything looked okay, I'm still needing answers.
Over the past few days, my sister and I have talked a lot more. It makes me happier.When we take the time for just the two of us, we can talk about things that we normally couldn't with others around.
Of course, everything can't be easy. The hotel we are at said they double booked our room so that we'll have to move out. There's no way we can move out by tomorrow. I pray that someone cancels and that a miracle happens.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Truth be told, I don't want to go to this appointment. Or especially my colonoscopy on Thursday. I'm 21 years old. Anymore, I feel like a 21 year old trapped in the body of a 80 year old. I hate being a "special" or "complicated" case. I want to be able to bend over without having pain ripple down my back and knees. I want to be able to save my hard earned money towards something fun for once instead of shell out hundreds for medicine. I hate knowing that my livelihood is dependent on taking capsules instead of my own free will and spirit. I hate having to use a motorized buggy that stores provide when I'm really weak. People stare at me as if I'm some young, immature jerk that thinks it's funny and is just lazy. I feel as if I have chains wrapped around my ankles and wrists, and I'm pushing against them with all my might. I just want something to go smoothly, easily. I acknowledge how blessed I am but the flesh part of me nags at my spirit. I guess this is what makes me human. Dammit Eve!
While I'm on the topic of medical business, I'm becoming increasingly depressed, scared, and anxious for the colonoscopy on Thurs. Thankfully, my dad will be in the waiting room and will get to see me in the recovery section when it's done. I had to buy the foods that I'm allowed to have while on the clear liquid diet. I decided that I'm going to try drinking the broth although since I was a kid I haven't been able to stomach it. I bought five packs of Jello. Of course, I can't have strawberry, raspberry, or cherry since I can't have anything red or purple. Does blue count? Because I could go for blue raspberry. Or a Jello shot rather.
For most people, this test isn't a big deal. I'm not sure if I've done into much detail with my history with this or not but I'll give the rundown. When I was seven, I became really sick. I had blood in my stool and pool out of my colon. I developed cancerous polyps. I was in and out of the hospital for months and was almost held back from school due to being gone for the majority of it. Now that the test is coming closer, I remember the car rides out of state to see a specialist. I remember when the doctor told my mom and how she cried for the longest time. She held me close and even though I didn't fully understand what was going on, I knew that I was at the beginning of a scary journey. Fourteen years later, I sit at a desk in a lobby, trying not to cry, as I pray that I won't receive the same news. I'm scared of when they'll put me to sleep. I'm scared of being alone when it happens. I'm scared I'll be in pain. I fear I won't wake up from sedation. I fear I'll experience the same things that I did as a child. As I bought my clear foods today, I nearly cried. I remember the hunger I faced. I remember being fed through a tube as a kid. I remember sneaking a piece of turkey lunch meat because I was so hungry.
I can't get this off my mind. One of my mentors at work laid her hands on me and said a special prayer before leaving today. Her kindness and faith brought tears to my eyes since it's beauty touched my heart and my fear squeaked out of me. I could write for hours about my fears but I have to cap it for my own sanity. I beg of you, please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.
While these things have been consuming my mind, other things have gone on. I had my interview with the family. I'm not sure if I'll get the job but I enjoyed meeting the family. I would have to be at work at 6:45am and it's a 15-20 minute ride. On top of that, with working as a cashier, I normally get off at midnight. That doesn't lead to much time for sleep. If I don't nanny for this family, I'd love to still be a sitter when needed.
I received my acceptance letter from the community college. I can register for classes today. I have to wait about two hours until the website resumes from maintenance though. I plan on taking one or two classes online. Maybe this will be the light I need.
Thank you to the readers that I have. It inspires me when I see that people have viewed my posts. It makes me feel like I'm someone that others can relate to, maybe even someone somewhat special. Feel free to give me comments. I'm sorry this was such a downer post. I'm hoping I'll soon go to a theme park so happier posts should come in no time. :)
Just so you know, I'm not going to reread this post currently to correct errors. I'm too tired. It should still be coherent. Sorry for any mistakes.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
So, what has changed? In many ways, not too much. We're still living in the same place. I'm still working at the same place. There are times when financial matters feel like I'm swimming in a sea without land in sight. One thing has changed: there is a light of hope.
Later on this week, I have an interview with a family that has three children. Two of the children go to school during the day so I would only have to watch over the 4 month old. It would be a full time nanny job. I'm absolutely ecstatic. I do have two other possible nanny options but I want this really bad and it's the most promising lead. The pay would help a ton with rent and other concerns. I'm also stoked because I could finally work with children again! When I am around children, the world seems lighter, happier, and more promising. I feel in my element. Wish me luck!
On another note, I went to the GI doctor for the first time in years. I am going to have another colonoscopy to find out exactly what disorder I have. As a child, I was told I had Crohn's but told I have Ulcerative Colitis when I was older. I've been dealing with more attacks as of late that create sever intestine cramping, sweating, paralyzing pain, sensitivity to light and sound, fatigue, blood in stool, and nausea. It's absolutely horrible. I'm scared to have this test. One: it's a scary test to begin with. Two: I had this as a child and I don't have pleasant memories of these doctor's visits. Three and most importantly: When I had this test done (several times mind you) as a child, it was because the doctor found cancerous polyps. I'm so scared that they will find something dangerous again. My dad is looking into having that day off to be a source of support but I'm doubting he'll be able to be there. The test will be in about a week. Once again, wish me luck. Send your prayers please.
On top of this, I've also been having problems with my boyfriend. There have been arguments over him respecting me and defending my honor. All couples have problems, and I acknowledge this. I'm sure it'll be something that we'll either get over or sweep under the rug but it sucks that I haven't had a chance to see my counselor.
I had today (technically yesterday) off from work but I don't feel like I accomplished much. I spent the morning hours stressing over financial problems. I wasn't able to fall asleep the night before so I fell asleep at about 2pm and slept on and off throughout the day. I normally don't do this unless my fibro fog and fatigue kicks my butt. When I'm at my job though, I never let it affect my work.
Well, I think I may take care of a few things and go to bed so that I'll be back on track. Things will be okay. They have to be. I'm holding onto this thread of hope and I believe in God, myself, and my family. Prayers and positive vibes are still greatly welcomed. ;)
Hope you all are having a great night sleeping!
Saturday, June 8, 2013
For the most part, life has been pretty status quo. It has only been within the past two days that anything special has happened. After I finally paid for the board game, I received it in the mail yesterday. Depending on how tired Dad is when he gets home, I may try to get him to play it with me tonight.
It felt nice to be able to buy groceries yesterday. I now am stocked with Vitamin Water, Mountain Dew, and the other means that get me through the week.I even splurged two pre-mixed daiquiris and a hard lemonade. Oh, how I love the feeling of getting my check. I did finally buy my medicine. It will probably take a week or so to get back into my system properly but I can finally relax about it. Since I had to buy several medicines, it cost me $120. Holy cow! While this is still a large amount for medicine, I'm thankful to have insurance that lowers the cost. I can only imagine what I'd owe if I didn't have it. Sadly, I would more than likely have to choose which medicines to pay for and never fill some of the most expensive ones. Nuts.
While at work yesterday, the team leader of the cafe at work spoke to me. She wants me to be trained for the cafe and work over there! I'm so excited! Maybe this will give me a better perspective on working since it's different than my normal cashiering. Since I'd be available to work both, maybe it'd be a nice break.
I also spoke with a guest that turned out to be the HR coordinator of a respite agency that I've been considering sending in a application to. She encouraged me to do so, explained they'd interview me and then place me with a family that is needing a respite provider with my qualifications.We got to talking and told her about how I learned about the agency through my ex (her family uses respite providers for three of the five kids). After knowing the type of special needs that I've been around, she gave me the names of those at the agency of who to talk about my application. Awesome!
Later in the evening, I spoke with one of the team leaders and she learned that I have a background in working with autistic kids. She is currently looking for someone to provide respite services to her eleven year old who has high functioning autism and asked of my contact information to give to the case worker. How exciting! It ended up being a very productive, exciting night concerning work.
I was lucky enough to have today off. Some of my old friends from high school got together with our former choir teacher for lunch. My boyfriend picked my sister and I up after his work and spent the early part of the afternoon having shakes and talking with friends that we haven't seen in three years. Maybe it's something we'll all do again. It gave us such a great excuse to go out for lunch and actually get out of the house (or work).
Sunday, June 2, 2013
It's nearly 4am and I have work at 10am. It's been a couple of off, weird days. Don't get me wrong; there have been some fun times as well.
Things have been tough with finances. Rent is costing everything we have and more. I'm broke, with $17 in my bank account. I don't have enough money to buy my mood stabilizer and fibro medicines. I owe a guy on EBay $18 for a boad game I bidded on two weeks ago. I need to find change, deposit it, and then pay for it. I'm also low on groceries and thank God Dad is able to pay for non perishable food with his check in advanced.
Today was probably my hardest day of work since I started. I forgot my medicine bag at home and no one could bring it today. I was in horrible pain all day and my boss even noticed that I looked sick. I was grateful to come home and take my medicine. I did manage to get a loyalty card even through this junk.
When I came home, Maggie, Dad, and I watched My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding and Pawn Stars. Dad helped me make my bed and we chit chatted about work, music, and what's going on in life. Maggie then spent an hour messaging my back. It has greatly helped reduced my pain. Poor Maggie, she then tripped and her knee is in a lot of pain. She can hardly bare any weight on it or bend it without stabbing pain.
To add to the mix, my boyfriend and I are having a rough time dealing with finding time for one another and how to deal with stress. We haven't had a date in Lord knows how long. It's been months since I had flowers. And the last time we did spent time together was when I washed laundry, he was editing his audio book, and then had dinner with his parents. Plus, we've had frustrations about arguements. Any suggestions on how to balance work, family, boyfriend, searching for places to live, a car, and more jobs? I miss being a relaxed college kid.
I just noticed this is the weekend that my ex and I broke up a year ago. I no longer have romantic feelings for her but I miss her friendship and her family. Before dating, she was my best friend. We dated for awhile, broke it off, and she hasn't wanted to be friends since. I respect her choice but I do still miss her in that way.
It's now 4:25am. I had to get this off my mind. Thanks for listening.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Back to work! I had two days off before coming in today. It was a much needed break that I was greatful for yet knew it wouldn't be long enough for me to catch up on things I needed to do. Maggie and I did watch a movie, The Simpson's Movie. I slept a lot since I've been really tired and been dealing with "brain fog" from the fibromyalgia.
Fibro has been messing with everything. It's making me more depressed, tired, frustrated, and like my brain is slowed down. While peope try to understand, no one gets it unless they are going through it as well. People jokingly tease me about needing naps or being tired. For most people, it'd be alright to joke about. For me, it's just a reminder of the battle. I fight hard and constantly, and frankly, I get fed up. But what other option is there? Lay in bed all day? That doesn't sound like much of a life to me.
Monday, May 27, 2013
I'm on my last break at work. They put together a full grill event with hamburgers, hot dogs, picnic salads, cake, fruit bowls, and cases and cases of pop. Including Mountain Dew. Yay. It's things like this that make me feel like the corporation really does care out the team members.
I can't wait to get home to sleep. I get off at 11:30pm. In the mean time, I hope I can zone some shoes or something. It's driving me nuts to stay at the front lanes. We're either supper busy or dead. Last I knew, it was dead. I pray and pray and pray that I get to zone or reshop softlines.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Maggie just had a seizure. Dad and I were both preparing to head to bed since we have work later today/tomorrow. Maggie called us over since she could tell she was getting ready to have a seizure. Dad sat beside her and helped calm us all. Even though we've seen Maggie have seizures before, it's also disturbing and scary to see her muscles contort, her eyes become glazed over, and see her lips turn blue from not breathing. It's a lot to deal with.
I stayed at Maggie's feet during the episode. When she started coming around, I started talking to her, tried to calm her, and held her for a minute before heading to my bed. (Remember, we are still in a hotel with one room for the four of us). Maggie is now sleeping after being exhausted from the episode. I pray she doesn't have anymore tonight.
I worry about her having a seizure while Dad and I are at work. Mom would be the only one available to care for her and she is disabled. She does not have the strength to turn Maggie on her side nor the ability to bend down to the ground, etc, etc. Most of the time, Maggie helps take care of Mom, as do I and Dad. I consider both Mag and I partial caregivers for Mom.
This also scares me because with Mag and I's disabilities and limits, I worry that we can't effectively take care of Mom. It's already sometimes hard balancing work, personal life, and helping around the house. A lot of times, I do the research and make the calls for finding a place for us to stay, search for Craiglists cars, help pay for rent, etc. It's my job and I am not complaining about it. At times I struggle with living this life instead of the one I had planned (getting ready to graduate from college, studying abroad, have a home and a car, have our family healthy, and live without clinical anxiety, mood disorders, and fibromyalgia). While this path is not what I planned, I feel grateful to have a job, have my wonderful family, and have access to resources to improve my health.
Next time, let's hope the posts are more lighthearted, fun, silly, and even mundane.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Maggie came home yesterday! Yay! She hasn't had a seizure in over 36 hours.
Maggie's actual mom brought Maggie home.* She stayed at our place for over an hour and let us visit her bird, Gabby. Gabby is a red tipped wing parrot. I absolutely adore her. She rests on my shoulder, "preens" me cheeks, let's me kiss her, and she tastes me (this is the way birds get to know you, through their hard tongue that has a bone in it). It was the first time that Mom held a bird. She was nervous at first but melted when she started petting Gabby's feathers. Between Maggie coming home and seeing Gabby, it made yesterday pretty awesome.
*Now to explain the story of how Maggie came into our lives. We went to middle and high school together. We weren't exactly friends and in fact, I disliked her in school. She was friends with my friend. After we graduated high school, Maggie moved into my friend's home, which wasn't healthy or stable. My mom invited her to live with us, away from the drugs, crime activities, etc. She jumped at the chance and has lived with us since December 2010. Over time, she has become a sister to me and a true part of this family.
Now that I explained Maggie's story, I can go on. She and I had a busy day. We cashed her bonds that her grandmother sent her and we both set up accounts. We already have our permanent debit cards. She picked the cat photo on her card and I picked the multi-color paint one. It makes me feel like I accomplished something for once. Later, I went to the library, opened an account, and checked out several books about psychology, fibromyalgia, 2 Batman comics, and 1 Batgirl comic. Score!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
After the ambulance left, Mom and I held hands and I led us in prayer. Mom then called Maggie's biological mother to let her know.
Please send prayers and positive thoughts our way.
On top of this, I am suppose to go to work at 11am. My shoulder is still in terrible pain. I'm going to have to call in. I pray it doesn't put my job in jeopardy.
Friday, May 17, 2013
I kept trying to deal with the pain throughout the morning and into the early afternoon. I made myself get ready for work, slap on a smile, and went to work as if everything was alright. Around 4:15pm, I was at my lane and had a man come through with several bags of large dog and cat food and a few bags of 34lbs of pine cat litter. When I lifted it, I must have pulled it from the conveyor belt and pulled my shoulder. I felt a pull and a sharp pain in my left shoulder near my shoulder blade. My supervisor and I had to fill out paperwork and called a hotline number to see if I needed to go to the emergency room. The nurse decided that I didn't need to and left it to me and my supervisor to decide what duties I could do for the rest of my shift. I decided to come home so that I could ice it on and off for 20 minutes, take generic Advil, and Excedrin. I pray that my decision to go home does not reflect badly on my 90 day review that is coming up.
I tried calling my boyfriend several times to come get me but he didn't pick up. I called my grandparents but they were nearly an hour away at an event with my cousin. I was lucky that I had enough money on me to take a cab. When I got home, Mom and Maggie just got home from the pharmacy. I was able to take my medicine for my fibro and have been putting ice on my shoulder.
In the middle of this, I have been making calls to figure other matters out. My sister has a migraine and my parents are completely focused on her. I'm not wanting I be treated like I'm dying or anything but I want them to care for me in the same manner. Why is it when something is wrong with me, there is something more pressing going on with someone else? I'm so stressed out and absolutely alone. I'm tired of this adult gig. I may be 21 but I am not ready to have to take care of all of the family and adult manners that I am forced to deal with. It is taking a toll on my body, mind, and spirit.
For more information on Fibromyalgia and the problems it causes for it's 5.8 million sufferers in the US, go to http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/default.htm . The more you know, the more you can do to help spread awareness and hope.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I somehow managed to be scheduled off for Wednesday and Thursday. I'm excited that I will be able to wear my new clothes; an outfit without a certain color that normally dominates my wardrobe due to my uniforms. I finally get to wear my dress!
That is the link to my dress. It says that it is not sold in stores but I was lucky enough to find it at mine since it's a test store. I just bought a pair of white flip flops to go with it.
My sister and I made a large purchase off of ebay yesterday. We bought six Disney DVDs for $66. Pretty cool, huh? We were able to pick the six that we are getting. We picked: The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Aladdin, Peter Pan, The Lion King, and Aristocats. I'm praying that they'll be here on Friday or Saturday. I'm also bidding on a board game, Aggravation, that I use to love as a kid. Now, I just have to hope that some Jane Doe doesn't scoop it up. It's pretty pathetic that this is what excitement consists of in my life.
I'm thinking of putting some detailed work into a writing project that I started over a year ago. I still have the same ideas, characters, and details in my binder. I miss writing. More importantly, I miss accomplishing creative projects, like the plays in college or writing consistently for my creative writing class. Even though I only work 8 hours a day, the energy that lives in my muscles and spirit is zapped after the 100th transaction of the day.
Speaking of work, I'm had less jerks lately. I'm becoming better friends with some of the other team members. Although there's still one woman who is annoyingly rude. There is always an awkward silence between us when we are working alone at night. I still have the guests who cut me off and are ignorant to the fact that I deserve respect as a human being. I swear, I will soon be entered into the contest of "Who Can Speak the Most in One Breath" because I try to talk about all of the information before they can cut me off. I realize this isn't a very good strategy for getting people to sign up for cards but I'm working on it.
Well, boys and girls, I better get off. My food is probably long cold and I should make myself head to bed. But why do that when all of the good TV shows are on in the middle of the night?
Monday, May 13, 2013
So, towards the end of an eight hour shift, I nearly fall asleep while at the register. Half of the store was busy while my side, "Blue World" remained slow throughout the day and made the day drag on at times. My boyfriend took me to work but I had to leave the hotel over an hour before my scheduled start time. To waste some time, I went to the gas station and messed around on the Redbox. Turns out that they were selling Brave for $5! I've wanted the movie for a while and if I would have bought it at work, it easily would have cost over $20. Score!
After work, I bought Mom a Yankee candle and two cards, one from the cat and one from myself. Since being off, I've resolved to not accomplishing anything until now. The only reason I'm writing this is because I'm making my Healthy Choice meal in the lobby and don't want to pace between the ice machine and the outside door.
While on my break today, I splurged on myself. The store has carried an adorable hi-lo dress that's cantaloupe on the top, coral on the bottom, but is had never been in my size. Well, the shopping gods stocked the women's department and the dress came in my size! I scooped it up along with a heather gray cardigan and a deep purple maxi skirt. What a great way to kick off the nice weather we had today!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Friday was probably one of the longest days of work that I have dealt with in such a long time. As of late, more guests are feeling comfortable upping their rudeness. I get it. You don't want one of our loyalty cards. Regardless, I have to ask if you want to sign up. It's my JOB. It won't kill you to listen to "Would you like to sign up and receive 5% off today?" and reply nicely. There's no need for you to interrupt me or get an attitude as if how dare I ask such a question from you. When people behave like this, it only reinforces that children with autism, brain injuries, and mental health disorders are usually more polite than these adults. And that I have more patience with special needs children. Our lanes are full of these type of "guests" (or pests, more like it) on Fridays through Sundays.
Now, with little time for sleep, I have to try to rest for another day of work. I go in at 8am but cannot manage to find a ride. My family and I use to live less than 2 miles away from my work center but since the place is having to remodel, we are at a hotel more than 4.5 miles away. And I do not own a car. My boyfriend normally takes me to/from work when all other options fail but he's managed to fall asleep mid-conversation with me. Bless his heart. I pray he can take me before he has church.
I hate having to rely on others. Whether it's my boyfriend, co-workers, society, or anyone else. I'm trying to find my family a place to live that is closer to work as well as try to find a car for sale around $1,000. I understand that I am an adult but I'm exhausted with the responsibilities of helping care for a family. Note to self: never get married. Or have kids. Maybe I'll live vicariously through my sister and friends and become the yuppie aunt who has ten cats and drinks way too much.
Until my mood improves, signing off.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
To start off with, I'm a 21 year old young woman, living in the Midwest, and may come across as typically common. Yes, my job is ordinary, my hair is blond like so many others, and I'm drowning in my college debt. On the other hand, I'm a caregiver of my mother, who is disabled, an active advocate on many issues, a hoarder of books and textbooks of all kinds, a fighter of chronic pain/illness, a creative soul, a magnet to mishaps, and a slightly obsessed Coach fanatic.
To start things off, my mother came home from the hospital yesterday. She was in the ICU for a few days due to her kidney failure and uncontrolled diabetes. She celebrated her 47th birthday in the hospital with my father, sister, grandmother and I. The family and I spent the entire day trying to make the day special. I hunted down pink tulips (her favorite flowers), carrot cake, and a book by Maya Angelou, her favorite author. The hospital made her angel food cake and all of the nurses/staff sang "Happy Birthday" to her in the evening. The best surprise came when an old friend came for a visit, a visit that has been overdue for 10+ years. We talked late into the night, 2 or 3am, until my "aunt" and her husband left for the hour drive home.
It's great to have Mom well enough to come home but I'm already anxious about having to watch over her as she's weaker than ever and cannot get up to take care of herself (such as feeding herself, bathing, walking, etc). Hopefully, this time period will end quickly. I miss seeing my beautiful mother who had such an independent spirit garden, bike from Indianola, IA to Des Moines, and put on glamorous high-heels before rushing to work. She still has the same spirit; we just have to help her find it again.
I have work later today after my counseling session. I see a therapist, Jenny, once a week. She helps me process the demands of everyday life, cope with anxiety, and provides an environment to rant about silly stuff, such as dealing with rude guests in the store and the crappy May weather in which it snowed for over two days. Surprisingly, it helps.
Later, I'll go into more detail about who I am (Hermione Granger meets Harley Quinn), my living conditions (I'm writing from a Days Inn), and my quirky interests (Batman, Ellie Goulding, Disney, Post-It-Notes, etc). Until then, this is Uniquely Common.