"Winter just wasn't my season"

Breathe by Anna Nalick

So it's been a year since I've written anything. In regards to blogging, writing my poetry or prose, anything. I've lacked any motivation to create anything since losing my mother.

Nothing has really changed except for who I am. Losing my mother had given me more perspective of how grateful I am for my family. My dad, sister, and I have never been closer. I don't know what I'd do without them or my boyfriend.

Since her passing, I have dealt with night terrors concerning her passing. They are normally about her being dead and something horrible happens, or I'm watching the whole scene again. On the night of her passing, Maggie (my sister) and I watched everything. We tried saving her life before the paramedics came. I felt her cool skin and the stillness within her. I watched the paramedics shock her, do CPR, and a variety of other things. It's been over a year since she left us and most of the time I feel the same anguish I did that first month after her passing. I want to do something meaningful to celebrate her but I'm clueless on where to begin.

My grandma has created something spectacular. In her back yard, she has created a garden to celebrate her daughter that she lost all to soon. It's filled with beautiful pink roses and other flowers. The main color is pink since it was my mom's favorite color. She planted numerous tulip bulbs last fall and they are starting to sprout. The garden has a Mickey Mouse in it, as my mom was a HUGE Mickey fan. There's a beautiful sitting bench. Solar angel lights. It's breathtaking. I'm so proud and grateful she has done this, not only for herself but as a peaceful sanctuary for us all.

Maybe at some point, when it doesn't hurt as badly, I can write a biography about my mother. She is such a beautiful, brilliant, nurturing soul; I say is because I feel in my best that she isn't truly gone. As long as I live on, her blood runs through me. I notice that I am beginning to look more and more like her daily. When ever I paint my nails, it takes me aback because my hand suddenly looks just like my mother's. In a picture of when she was little, I see that I looked just like her as a small girl. I see her attending in front of me in the mirror, my mother fifteen years ago when I'd watch her get ready for work. She looked beautiful, graceful, and sophisticated with her high heels, nail polish, work clothes, and smooth skin. I idolized her and in many ways still do. I don't think I'll ever be as beautiful or smart as she was but I see her features in my face and body. I even have the small pinky toe nail like she had. It makes me smile that we have the same little quirks.

Beside dealing with her passing, I've been working pretty steadily at my same job. I just celebrated being at this job for two years. I did have to take a month of medical leave of absence due to a major flare up of Fibromyalgia back in December.

Socially, I'm doing somewhat better. I reconnected with talking to one of my exes. We dated briefly and haven't spoke since the breakup. I talk to her from time to time. It's been comforting since she use to be a close friend of mine. I also just reconnected with someone I once considered to be my first girlfriend, my first love, but more importantly, a close friend for years after we split.

We haven't talked after I said that I still had feelings for her four years ago. My medicine along with my bipolar messed with my emotions and I wasn't actually in love with her. None the less, it freaked her out. She was in a relationship with a woman she thought she was going to marry and her girlfriend despised me. I also really hated the girlfriend because she caused a lot of trouble between Stephanie and I. Including being the reason we broke up in the first place. Now, that was nearly ten years ago. Anyways, the past is in the past. We started talking a few weeks ago. I've missed her so greatly. I hope she never decides it's too much to handle with us being friends again. She was one of the only people I trusted and could be myself with as a teen. We've both changed as we've became adults. With experience comes enlightenment. She had since split with her now ex (even though her ex probably wasn't a horrible person, I'm SO glad). She has since met a wonderful woman whom she hopes to marry. I'm so happy for her.

My boyfriend, Michael, is graduating from college in a month. I'm so proud of him. I met him when he had just turned fifteen years old. He has turned into a remarkable man and I can't wait to marry him. We're hoping to get engaged within a year. I have never felt more sure of a decision in my life.

I haven't slept at all and have been up for about 24 hours. Crazy! Anyways, I'm going to consciously work on this blog. I know others go through similar issues and hey, maybe we can walk this journey together.

The Meaning of a New Life

It has been months since I last wrote. An unimaginable amount of crap has happened. Above all else, I am deeply saddened to report that my mother passed away on March 2, 2014. She had been discharged from the hospital at Friday afternoon, said to be medically stable. She was sitting up in bed that Saturday night (technically Sunday morning since it was 1:30am) when she fell back and her eyes rolled back. I called 991 as Maggie performed CPR. The medics revived her but lost her on the way to the ambulance.

I cannot even begin to describe the pain I felt as the doctor came into the family waiting room to tell us. I knew in my heart that she wouldn't make it this time but I so badly wanted and prayed that she would fight back like she had every time before. Remember, this was the woman who had a stroke, heart attack, fell into two medically induced comas, had been on the ventilator several times, fell into a diabetic coma, had brain surgery, and nearly hemorrhaged to death while giving birth to me. She was a tough cookie but for some reason, she couldn't fight through this. Maggie and I felt like she was ready to go. After enduring dialysis, it took all of her energy and she couldn't fight.

Sure, a lot of people think about all that she and I will miss out on like when I try on wedding dresses, or when I have a child. But the true tragedy is not being able to go to her when I wake from a bad dream or when I can't tell her a funny story about what happened at work. Yes, big moments are defining attributes of our lives but the real moments that color in the lines of our once blank canvas are the everyday interactions with the ones that we love and value. 

It has been a month since she passed away. I suffered from constant nightmares for three weeks after it happened. It became so unbearable that I refused to sleep. I still have the nightmares but they aren't nearly as often. I feel like I can get a grip on it at the very least. I still have a very hard time sleeping. My eating patterns are bizarre- the only things that ever really taste good are greek yogurt and chocolate-peanut butter Easter eggs. Because of course that makes sense.

The family has been trying to support one another. I have more contact with my mother's sisters and my grandparents. Maggie and I have patched things up. The most surprising change has been that we now have some contact with my dad's sister. We haven't talked to her for years. We talked to her after the visitation and she and my cousin came to the funereal. I talk to my aunt on Facebook and it's been comforting having contact with her again.

In this constant search for finding a "new life" after losing my mother, life has kept moving forward. I actually went to Kansas City with my boyfriend and his family for the Big 12 Tournament. It was a convenient distraction. After the trip, I went back to work for my first week back. I've been making some new friends as my company has been hiring a lot of new people. I've been talking to one of the new guys through text. I think he and some of the other new people could become friends I trust.Also I had my annual work review. It wasn't perfect but my boss told me she's seen a lot of improvement in the past few months and I ended up getting a raise! It's my first raise, EVER. So excited! 

In the past few weeks I also went to the circus with Maggie and my dad. Maggie and I rode an elephant! A lovely woman took pictures on my cell so we could scrapbook it later. We ate unhealthy, overly priced food, watched plenty of acts, and I made sure to get a bunch of pictures with the clowns, 

I don't know what the future holds and how I will get there but one thing I have learned is that humans are highly adaptable. This doesn't mean that the transition is easy but we adapt to what we need to become and how to find happiness in life. After all, that's what we all are truly wanting, right?

What's Worth Fighting For?

It's been a sucky time. I've been arguing with my sister. For those of you that don't know, my family took her in after she was living in a not so wonderful environment after both her and I graduated high school. She moved in with us when she was 19- only three years ago.

Siblings bicker and fight. I know that. But I can't stand this. There is so much bitterness  and resentment. I know my hands aren't clean but my family seems to believe that she can't do any wrong. I have a long standing feeling of frustration because I go to work to help support the family yet she doesn't. In fact, I rarely get anything for myself due to lack of money but she smokes so she gets things when I don't. If she were working, I wouldn't care. My main problems deal with how my family treats her, which isn't necessarily her fault, but she doesn't help them. She doesn't have the responsibilities I have. While these are the main problems, I feel like the list continues to grow each day.

The fighting has became unbearable. When Mom left for dialysis, I said that we had to talk. For the sake of our relationship. She didn't care and split as soon as Mom was out of the room. She and the others in my family are really making me feel like I'm disposable. I really don't matter. With how she left, I've never felt so abandoned by her. But maybe I need to detach for my own sake. Still, that doesn't help now.

Here I am: 22 years old, swimming in college debt, working a job that allows me to help support my family but not enough to support me living on my own (especially to have my own health insurance since that's very important). I'm without a degree, unable to reach my dreams. I'm not close to most of my friends anymore since my life has taken a drastic turn since leaving college.

When I feel as overwhelmed as I do, I don't know how to cope. I listen to music but it just compounds how I'm feeling. I use to cut and I still fight urges. I'm 22 and lack any real coping mechanisms. And I attended college for psychology. You would think that I'd know how to deal with life by now.

I have work later today (of course, I also do) so I'm going to try taking a nap while Mom's gone. I have no clue how to handle the recent blow up with my "sister". I can't be the only one giving energy into making this work.

Until she comes back, I can't even eat since she has the debit card and I need it to go to the cafeteria.

Please comment with ideas?

Listening to: Unbreakable Heart by Three Days Grace
Reading: Insurgent by Veronica Roth
Watching: Criminal Minds

Overload

Since I last wrote, we have moved twice. We moved into an apartment right after I turned 22 in September. At the time, Mom was in the hospital the day that we signed the lease. I stayed at the hospital with her while Dad and Maggie packed. My boyfriend, Michael, and his aunt and uncle helped us move.

I loved the apartment. We lived right by a mall, tons of restaurants, and had really sweet neighbors. In November, I had trouble with my bank account and one of my checks was eaten up by bank fees. My account was closed and I was suppose to receive my next check in a paper format. Instead, my work somehow sent my check to some account to a bank that I have never gone to. I finally received that check after a month of waiting. I went nearly six weeks without being able to use my wages. The apartment complex filed for eviction and we had to appear in court. If we could pay it in court, everything would be fine. Due to this, I had to ask a friend for $50 to pay for rent. Everything was set. Then, on the day of court, Michael's car ran out of gas when getting my sister and I. We were late to court, the eviction was set, and we lost our place. The first real place we had had in years. I'm still devastated and am scared of how this is going to effect future rental prospects. For the time being, we're in a motel that's way too small, has three phone lines for the entire building, is crawling with roaches, and have to pay $1,000 a month. I'm thankful for the place but it makes me horribly depressed. I'm determined to get my life back on track. Even if that means venturing out on my own (but with an eviction on my record, how in the world do I get a place???).

Within the past month, Dad has had problems with kidney stones. He ended up getting staff infection, was in the hospital for a week, missed work for two weeks, still has to take meds through an IV, and just went back to work on Wednesday. My sister and Mom were also released from the hospital this week- Mom also had staff infection and Maggie was put on a ventilator after having a single seizure for 45 minutes. Everything was starting to be okay. Until yesterday. Mom's dialysis catheter came out when she woke from a nap. She was hemorrhaging blood. The entire blanket and pillow was/is soaked with blood (we have to throw it away since there is no use in saving them). Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She is suppose to have another catheter put in today. My nose still stings from the strong smell of blood. I normally can keep my cool but between seeing how much blood was on the bed, seeing what a mess the paramedics left for me (they put our microwave stand outside, in the snow and left it- and I'm not strong enough to lift it, for instance), I let myself have a small meltdown. I was trying to put something away, had rotten cottage cheese spill on me since they placed the garbage sack in the way, and was unable to reach the fridge. It was just the icing on the cake. I took the zip lock baggies of meat and cheese and banged them against the counter. I had to have a small, temporary moment of insanity.

In the midst of all this, I'm on a 2nd level probation at work due to attendance. I have had to miss for emergencies, like when Mom has been taken by ambulance before. I missed once or twice in the past year for being sick. My work is even holding it against me when I had to seek medical treatment for workman's compensation when I smacked my hand against the metal rack when pulling sacks apart. I need to talk to the HR department about that matter because it should not be held against me.

Anyways, I have received very little sleep and have work today. I have no clue when I'm scheduled since I forgot to grab my schedule on my way out yesterday. I'll have to call. I hope it's in the mid afternoon. I really am so exhausted with everything.

How am I coping? I don't know. I've been reading the Divergent and Hunger Game series a lot. I also used my Christmas money to buy a Playstation 3. I'm pretty psyched. I own a few of my favorite games as well as some TV episodes.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I promise I'll update more often.

Til next time,
Meredith

Followed By a Chaser

Since I last wrote, I went to the pain specialist and also had my colonoscopy. The appointment with the pain doctor went alright I guess. She put me on Gabapentin. I'm hoping that this will help. She did take away the other medicine I was on and that was working so I'm nervous I'll be in a lot of pain.

On Wednesday, I was on the clear fluid diet and it wasn't too terrible. I ate a lot of Jello and made soup in which my mom ate the noodles. For some reason I didn't have much of an appetite (I'll be thankful for that in this instance). I also had to drink the bowel prep liquid. Disgusting! I had to drink one bottle at night and another in the morning. When I started drinking at night, I kept throwing up. I mixed with water and orange juice. The stuff is just too bitter and salty. Finally, after three hours later, I had it all down but after each gulp I had to take a drink of Mountain Dew since the sweetness cut the  salt/bitter. The liquid is designed to make you go to the bathroom so word of advice, drink something like Gatorade a few days prior and while on the clear liquid diet. Otherwise, you will become shaky, weak, and have a horrible headache. I ended up falling asleep next to my sister and mom as they were rubbing my back. I finally felt relaxed.

In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. In order to go back to sleep, I had to drink the prep. This time, I mixed it with pure orange juice and chased it from the start. I got it down within 5 minutes. I drank it like a boss!

I went to the procedure with Dad and my boyfriend.They weighed me before I had to get into a gown and I'm officially 27 lbs lighter than my heaviest!!! Before I went into the procedure room, I had Dad come back to see me. I was crying and anxious. When the nurse got me ready, we were talking about where I work and she gave me some meds. I didn't sleep throughout the procedure. The medicine didn't touch me. In fact,the nurse had to tell me to keep trying to relax and stop talking. The actual procedure was NOT painful. The results came back with nothing giving clear answers. Everything looked okay. They did take some biopsies and I will have to have some lab work done to figure a few more things out. While I'm glad everything looked okay, I'm still needing answers.

Over the past few days, my sister and I have talked a lot more. It makes me happier.When we take the time for just the two of us, we can talk about things that we normally couldn't with others around.

Of course, everything can't be easy. The hotel we are at said they double booked our room so that we'll have to move out. There's no way we can move out by tomorrow. I pray that someone cancels and that a miracle happens.

I got 99 problems and being rich isn't one of them

It's nearly 4am and I have work at 10am. It's been a couple of off, weird days. Don't get me wrong; there have been some fun times as well.

Things have been tough with finances. Rent is costing everything we have and more. I'm broke, with $17 in my bank account. I don't have enough money to buy my mood stabilizer and fibro medicines. I owe a guy on EBay $18 for a boad game I bidded on two weeks ago. I need to find change, deposit it, and then pay for it. I'm also low on groceries and thank God Dad is able to pay for non perishable food with his check in advanced.

Today was probably my hardest day of work since I started. I forgot my medicine bag at home and no one could bring it today. I was in horrible pain all day and my boss even noticed that I looked sick. I was grateful to come home and take my medicine. I did manage to get a loyalty card even through this junk.

When I came home, Maggie, Dad, and I watched My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding and Pawn Stars. Dad helped me make my bed and we chit chatted about work, music, and what's going on in life. Maggie then spent an hour messaging my back. It has greatly helped reduced my pain. Poor Maggie, she then tripped and her knee is in a lot of pain. She can hardly bare any weight on it or bend it without stabbing pain.

To add to the mix, my boyfriend and I are having a rough time dealing with finding time for one another and how to deal with stress. We haven't had a date in Lord knows how long. It's been months since I had flowers. And the last time we did spent time together was when I washed laundry, he was editing his audio book, and then had dinner with his parents.  Plus, we've had frustrations about arguements. Any suggestions on how to balance work, family, boyfriend, searching for places to live, a car, and more jobs? I miss being a relaxed college kid.

I just noticed this is the weekend that my ex and I broke up a year ago. I no longer have romantic feelings for her but I miss her friendship and her family. Before dating, she was my best friend. We dated for awhile, broke it off, and she hasn't wanted to be friends since. I respect her choice but I do still miss her in that way.

It's now 4:25am. I had to get this off my mind. Thanks for listening.

Many Prayers Needed for Maggie Moo

In an earlier post, I mentioned that my mother and sister are disabled.  My sister, Maggie, has epilepsy.  She was diagnosed with it back in November of 2011 at the age of 20. (We're the same age and we adopted her after we graduated high school together). Anyways, she was just sent by rescue after having three seizures in a row, status seizures. Dad went with her while I'm here to take care of Mom. It breaks my heart to see her struggle and be in pain. I wish I could have gone with her and Dad in the ambulance.
After the ambulance left, Mom and I held hands and I led us in prayer.  Mom then called Maggie's biological mother to let her know.
Please send prayers and positive thoughts our way.
On top of this, I am suppose to go to work at 11am. My shoulder is still in terrible pain. I'm going to have to call in.  I pray it doesn't put my job in jeopardy.

My Resignition of Being an Adult

It has been a struggle to get through today. I woke up in a lot if pain from my Fibromyalgia. I take medicine for it, including Cymbalta and anti-inflammatory over the counter medicine like generic Advil. Well, I have been without my medicine for the past few days. I had a terrible time sleeping and it felt as if my left hip and knee were rubbing against the bone/cartilage. I had wipe spread pain throughout my entire body. The pain is so intense where it takes my breath away. I imagine that I'm in a tank of piranhas, sharks, and jellyfish. I keep getting stung and my skin burns. The pain (the piranhas and sharks) are eating my flesh, muscles, and nerves. I couldn't get my medicine until it was ready for pick up this evening.

I kept trying to deal with the pain throughout the morning and into the early afternoon. I made myself get ready for work, slap on a smile, and went to work as if everything was alright. Around 4:15pm, I was at my lane and had a man come through with several bags of large dog and cat food and a few bags of 34lbs of pine cat litter. When I lifted it, I must have pulled it from the conveyor belt and pulled my shoulder. I felt a pull and a sharp pain in my left shoulder near my shoulder blade. My supervisor and I had to fill out paperwork and called a hotline number to see if I needed to go to the emergency room. The nurse decided that I didn't need to and left it to me and my supervisor to decide what duties I could do for the rest of my shift. I decided to come home so that I could ice it on and off for 20 minutes, take generic Advil, and Excedrin. I pray that my decision to go home does not reflect badly on my 90 day review that is coming up.

I tried calling my boyfriend several times to come get me but he didn't pick up. I called my grandparents but they were nearly an hour away at an event with my cousin. I was lucky that I had enough money on me to take a cab. When I got home, Mom and Maggie just got home from the pharmacy. I was able to take my medicine for my fibro and have been putting ice on my shoulder.

In the middle of this, I have been making calls to figure other matters out. My sister has a migraine and my parents are completely focused on her. I'm not wanting I be treated like I'm dying or anything but I want them to care for me in the same manner. Why is it when something is wrong with me, there is something more pressing going on with someone else? I'm so stressed out and absolutely alone. I'm tired of this adult gig. I may be 21 but I am not ready to have to take care of all of the family and adult manners that I am forced to deal with. It is taking a toll on my body, mind, and spirit.

For more information on Fibromyalgia and the problems it causes for it's 5.8 million sufferers in the US, go to http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/default.htm . The more you know, the more you can do to help spread awareness and hope.