It's been a sucky time. I've been arguing with my sister. For those of you that don't know, my family took her in after she was living in a not so wonderful environment after both her and I graduated high school. She moved in with us when she was 19- only three years ago.
Siblings bicker and fight. I know that. But I can't stand this. There is so much bitterness and resentment. I know my hands aren't clean but my family seems to believe that she can't do any wrong. I have a long standing feeling of frustration because I go to work to help support the family yet she doesn't. In fact, I rarely get anything for myself due to lack of money but she smokes so she gets things when I don't. If she were working, I wouldn't care. My main problems deal with how my family treats her, which isn't necessarily her fault, but she doesn't help them. She doesn't have the responsibilities I have. While these are the main problems, I feel like the list continues to grow each day.
The fighting has became unbearable. When Mom left for dialysis, I said that we had to talk. For the sake of our relationship. She didn't care and split as soon as Mom was out of the room. She and the others in my family are really making me feel like I'm disposable. I really don't matter. With how she left, I've never felt so abandoned by her. But maybe I need to detach for my own sake. Still, that doesn't help now.
Here I am: 22 years old, swimming in college debt, working a job that allows me to help support my family but not enough to support me living on my own (especially to have my own health insurance since that's very important). I'm without a degree, unable to reach my dreams. I'm not close to most of my friends anymore since my life has taken a drastic turn since leaving college.
When I feel as overwhelmed as I do, I don't know how to cope. I listen to music but it just compounds how I'm feeling. I use to cut and I still fight urges. I'm 22 and lack any real coping mechanisms. And I attended college for psychology. You would think that I'd know how to deal with life by now.
I have work later today (of course, I also do) so I'm going to try taking a nap while Mom's gone. I have no clue how to handle the recent blow up with my "sister". I can't be the only one giving energy into making this work.
Until she comes back, I can't even eat since she has the debit card and I need it to go to the cafeteria.
Please comment with ideas?
Listening to: Unbreakable Heart by Three Days Grace
Reading: Insurgent by Veronica Roth
Watching: Criminal Minds
Showing posts with label sisters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sisters. Show all posts
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Friday, August 9, 2013
Followed By a Chaser
Since I last wrote, I went to the pain specialist and also had my colonoscopy. The appointment with the pain doctor went alright I guess. She put me on Gabapentin. I'm hoping that this will help. She did take away the other medicine I was on and that was working so I'm nervous I'll be in a lot of pain.
On Wednesday, I was on the clear fluid diet and it wasn't too terrible. I ate a lot of Jello and made soup in which my mom ate the noodles. For some reason I didn't have much of an appetite (I'll be thankful for that in this instance). I also had to drink the bowel prep liquid. Disgusting! I had to drink one bottle at night and another in the morning. When I started drinking at night, I kept throwing up. I mixed with water and orange juice. The stuff is just too bitter and salty. Finally, after three hours later, I had it all down but after each gulp I had to take a drink of Mountain Dew since the sweetness cut the salt/bitter. The liquid is designed to make you go to the bathroom so word of advice, drink something like Gatorade a few days prior and while on the clear liquid diet. Otherwise, you will become shaky, weak, and have a horrible headache. I ended up falling asleep next to my sister and mom as they were rubbing my back. I finally felt relaxed.
In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. In order to go back to sleep, I had to drink the prep. This time, I mixed it with pure orange juice and chased it from the start. I got it down within 5 minutes. I drank it like a boss!
I went to the procedure with Dad and my boyfriend.They weighed me before I had to get into a gown and I'm officially 27 lbs lighter than my heaviest!!! Before I went into the procedure room, I had Dad come back to see me. I was crying and anxious. When the nurse got me ready, we were talking about where I work and she gave me some meds. I didn't sleep throughout the procedure. The medicine didn't touch me. In fact,the nurse had to tell me to keep trying to relax and stop talking. The actual procedure was NOT painful. The results came back with nothing giving clear answers. Everything looked okay. They did take some biopsies and I will have to have some lab work done to figure a few more things out. While I'm glad everything looked okay, I'm still needing answers.
Over the past few days, my sister and I have talked a lot more. It makes me happier.When we take the time for just the two of us, we can talk about things that we normally couldn't with others around.
Of course, everything can't be easy. The hotel we are at said they double booked our room so that we'll have to move out. There's no way we can move out by tomorrow. I pray that someone cancels and that a miracle happens.
On Wednesday, I was on the clear fluid diet and it wasn't too terrible. I ate a lot of Jello and made soup in which my mom ate the noodles. For some reason I didn't have much of an appetite (I'll be thankful for that in this instance). I also had to drink the bowel prep liquid. Disgusting! I had to drink one bottle at night and another in the morning. When I started drinking at night, I kept throwing up. I mixed with water and orange juice. The stuff is just too bitter and salty. Finally, after three hours later, I had it all down but after each gulp I had to take a drink of Mountain Dew since the sweetness cut the salt/bitter. The liquid is designed to make you go to the bathroom so word of advice, drink something like Gatorade a few days prior and while on the clear liquid diet. Otherwise, you will become shaky, weak, and have a horrible headache. I ended up falling asleep next to my sister and mom as they were rubbing my back. I finally felt relaxed.
In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. In order to go back to sleep, I had to drink the prep. This time, I mixed it with pure orange juice and chased it from the start. I got it down within 5 minutes. I drank it like a boss!
I went to the procedure with Dad and my boyfriend.They weighed me before I had to get into a gown and I'm officially 27 lbs lighter than my heaviest!!! Before I went into the procedure room, I had Dad come back to see me. I was crying and anxious. When the nurse got me ready, we were talking about where I work and she gave me some meds. I didn't sleep throughout the procedure. The medicine didn't touch me. In fact,the nurse had to tell me to keep trying to relax and stop talking. The actual procedure was NOT painful. The results came back with nothing giving clear answers. Everything looked okay. They did take some biopsies and I will have to have some lab work done to figure a few more things out. While I'm glad everything looked okay, I'm still needing answers.
Over the past few days, my sister and I have talked a lot more. It makes me happier.When we take the time for just the two of us, we can talk about things that we normally couldn't with others around.
Of course, everything can't be easy. The hotel we are at said they double booked our room so that we'll have to move out. There's no way we can move out by tomorrow. I pray that someone cancels and that a miracle happens.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Fraps, Kids, and a Crowd of Nerdy Choir Goers
Wow! I wasn't expecting to see that this blog now has 371 pageviews. Awesome! And many thanks to those who have stopped by my blog and read my entries.
For the most part, life has been pretty status quo. It has only been within the past two days that anything special has happened. After I finally paid for the board game, I received it in the mail yesterday. Depending on how tired Dad is when he gets home, I may try to get him to play it with me tonight.
It felt nice to be able to buy groceries yesterday. I now am stocked with Vitamin Water, Mountain Dew, and the other means that get me through the week.I even splurged two pre-mixed daiquiris and a hard lemonade. Oh, how I love the feeling of getting my check. I did finally buy my medicine. It will probably take a week or so to get back into my system properly but I can finally relax about it. Since I had to buy several medicines, it cost me $120. Holy cow! While this is still a large amount for medicine, I'm thankful to have insurance that lowers the cost. I can only imagine what I'd owe if I didn't have it. Sadly, I would more than likely have to choose which medicines to pay for and never fill some of the most expensive ones. Nuts.
While at work yesterday, the team leader of the cafe at work spoke to me. She wants me to be trained for the cafe and work over there! I'm so excited! Maybe this will give me a better perspective on working since it's different than my normal cashiering. Since I'd be available to work both, maybe it'd be a nice break.
I also spoke with a guest that turned out to be the HR coordinator of a respite agency that I've been considering sending in a application to. She encouraged me to do so, explained they'd interview me and then place me with a family that is needing a respite provider with my qualifications.We got to talking and told her about how I learned about the agency through my ex (her family uses respite providers for three of the five kids). After knowing the type of special needs that I've been around, she gave me the names of those at the agency of who to talk about my application. Awesome!
Later in the evening, I spoke with one of the team leaders and she learned that I have a background in working with autistic kids. She is currently looking for someone to provide respite services to her eleven year old who has high functioning autism and asked of my contact information to give to the case worker. How exciting! It ended up being a very productive, exciting night concerning work.
I was lucky enough to have today off. Some of my old friends from high school got together with our former choir teacher for lunch. My boyfriend picked my sister and I up after his work and spent the early part of the afternoon having shakes and talking with friends that we haven't seen in three years. Maybe it's something we'll all do again. It gave us such a great excuse to go out for lunch and actually get out of the house (or work).
For the most part, life has been pretty status quo. It has only been within the past two days that anything special has happened. After I finally paid for the board game, I received it in the mail yesterday. Depending on how tired Dad is when he gets home, I may try to get him to play it with me tonight.
It felt nice to be able to buy groceries yesterday. I now am stocked with Vitamin Water, Mountain Dew, and the other means that get me through the week.I even splurged two pre-mixed daiquiris and a hard lemonade. Oh, how I love the feeling of getting my check. I did finally buy my medicine. It will probably take a week or so to get back into my system properly but I can finally relax about it. Since I had to buy several medicines, it cost me $120. Holy cow! While this is still a large amount for medicine, I'm thankful to have insurance that lowers the cost. I can only imagine what I'd owe if I didn't have it. Sadly, I would more than likely have to choose which medicines to pay for and never fill some of the most expensive ones. Nuts.
While at work yesterday, the team leader of the cafe at work spoke to me. She wants me to be trained for the cafe and work over there! I'm so excited! Maybe this will give me a better perspective on working since it's different than my normal cashiering. Since I'd be available to work both, maybe it'd be a nice break.
I also spoke with a guest that turned out to be the HR coordinator of a respite agency that I've been considering sending in a application to. She encouraged me to do so, explained they'd interview me and then place me with a family that is needing a respite provider with my qualifications.We got to talking and told her about how I learned about the agency through my ex (her family uses respite providers for three of the five kids). After knowing the type of special needs that I've been around, she gave me the names of those at the agency of who to talk about my application. Awesome!
Later in the evening, I spoke with one of the team leaders and she learned that I have a background in working with autistic kids. She is currently looking for someone to provide respite services to her eleven year old who has high functioning autism and asked of my contact information to give to the case worker. How exciting! It ended up being a very productive, exciting night concerning work.
I was lucky enough to have today off. Some of my old friends from high school got together with our former choir teacher for lunch. My boyfriend picked my sister and I up after his work and spent the early part of the afternoon having shakes and talking with friends that we haven't seen in three years. Maybe it's something we'll all do again. It gave us such a great excuse to go out for lunch and actually get out of the house (or work).
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Many Prayers Needed for Maggie Moo
In an earlier post, I mentioned that my mother and sister are disabled. My sister, Maggie, has epilepsy. She was diagnosed with it back in November of 2011 at the age of 20. (We're the same age and we adopted her after we graduated high school together). Anyways, she was just sent by rescue after having three seizures in a row, status seizures. Dad went with her while I'm here to take care of Mom. It breaks my heart to see her struggle and be in pain. I wish I could have gone with her and Dad in the ambulance.
After the ambulance left, Mom and I held hands and I led us in prayer. Mom then called Maggie's biological mother to let her know.
Please send prayers and positive thoughts our way.
On top of this, I am suppose to go to work at 11am. My shoulder is still in terrible pain. I'm going to have to call in. I pray it doesn't put my job in jeopardy.
After the ambulance left, Mom and I held hands and I led us in prayer. Mom then called Maggie's biological mother to let her know.
Please send prayers and positive thoughts our way.
On top of this, I am suppose to go to work at 11am. My shoulder is still in terrible pain. I'm going to have to call in. I pray it doesn't put my job in jeopardy.
Friday, May 17, 2013
My Resignition of Being an Adult
It has been a struggle to get through today. I woke up in a lot if pain from my Fibromyalgia. I take medicine for it, including Cymbalta and anti-inflammatory over the counter medicine like generic Advil. Well, I have been without my medicine for the past few days. I had a terrible time sleeping and it felt as if my left hip and knee were rubbing against the bone/cartilage. I had wipe spread pain throughout my entire body. The pain is so intense where it takes my breath away. I imagine that I'm in a tank of piranhas, sharks, and jellyfish. I keep getting stung and my skin burns. The pain (the piranhas and sharks) are eating my flesh, muscles, and nerves. I couldn't get my medicine until it was ready for pick up this evening.
I kept trying to deal with the pain throughout the morning and into the early afternoon. I made myself get ready for work, slap on a smile, and went to work as if everything was alright. Around 4:15pm, I was at my lane and had a man come through with several bags of large dog and cat food and a few bags of 34lbs of pine cat litter. When I lifted it, I must have pulled it from the conveyor belt and pulled my shoulder. I felt a pull and a sharp pain in my left shoulder near my shoulder blade. My supervisor and I had to fill out paperwork and called a hotline number to see if I needed to go to the emergency room. The nurse decided that I didn't need to and left it to me and my supervisor to decide what duties I could do for the rest of my shift. I decided to come home so that I could ice it on and off for 20 minutes, take generic Advil, and Excedrin. I pray that my decision to go home does not reflect badly on my 90 day review that is coming up.
I tried calling my boyfriend several times to come get me but he didn't pick up. I called my grandparents but they were nearly an hour away at an event with my cousin. I was lucky that I had enough money on me to take a cab. When I got home, Mom and Maggie just got home from the pharmacy. I was able to take my medicine for my fibro and have been putting ice on my shoulder.
In the middle of this, I have been making calls to figure other matters out. My sister has a migraine and my parents are completely focused on her. I'm not wanting I be treated like I'm dying or anything but I want them to care for me in the same manner. Why is it when something is wrong with me, there is something more pressing going on with someone else? I'm so stressed out and absolutely alone. I'm tired of this adult gig. I may be 21 but I am not ready to have to take care of all of the family and adult manners that I am forced to deal with. It is taking a toll on my body, mind, and spirit.
For more information on Fibromyalgia and the problems it causes for it's 5.8 million sufferers in the US, go to http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/default.htm . The more you know, the more you can do to help spread awareness and hope.
I kept trying to deal with the pain throughout the morning and into the early afternoon. I made myself get ready for work, slap on a smile, and went to work as if everything was alright. Around 4:15pm, I was at my lane and had a man come through with several bags of large dog and cat food and a few bags of 34lbs of pine cat litter. When I lifted it, I must have pulled it from the conveyor belt and pulled my shoulder. I felt a pull and a sharp pain in my left shoulder near my shoulder blade. My supervisor and I had to fill out paperwork and called a hotline number to see if I needed to go to the emergency room. The nurse decided that I didn't need to and left it to me and my supervisor to decide what duties I could do for the rest of my shift. I decided to come home so that I could ice it on and off for 20 minutes, take generic Advil, and Excedrin. I pray that my decision to go home does not reflect badly on my 90 day review that is coming up.
I tried calling my boyfriend several times to come get me but he didn't pick up. I called my grandparents but they were nearly an hour away at an event with my cousin. I was lucky that I had enough money on me to take a cab. When I got home, Mom and Maggie just got home from the pharmacy. I was able to take my medicine for my fibro and have been putting ice on my shoulder.
In the middle of this, I have been making calls to figure other matters out. My sister has a migraine and my parents are completely focused on her. I'm not wanting I be treated like I'm dying or anything but I want them to care for me in the same manner. Why is it when something is wrong with me, there is something more pressing going on with someone else? I'm so stressed out and absolutely alone. I'm tired of this adult gig. I may be 21 but I am not ready to have to take care of all of the family and adult manners that I am forced to deal with. It is taking a toll on my body, mind, and spirit.
For more information on Fibromyalgia and the problems it causes for it's 5.8 million sufferers in the US, go to http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/default.htm . The more you know, the more you can do to help spread awareness and hope.
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