I'm officially off of work until Saturday. Today, I have an appointment with a new doctor. This specialist deals with pain management. After the troubles I have personally seen others go through with finding good doctors as well as a doctor that understands the way pain can change a person's life, I'm very anxious about this appointment. I'm not wanting 100 mg of Oxycontin or anything huge like that. I just want a compassionate doctor to listen to how my pain effects my life and figure out medicines that will treat these matters. I may have my boyfriend come into the room for support but I wish I could get my sister to go with me. She understands the power pain can have with her frequent migraines and seizures.
Truth be told, I don't want to go to this appointment. Or especially my colonoscopy on Thursday. I'm 21 years old. Anymore, I feel like a 21 year old trapped in the body of a 80 year old. I hate being a "special" or "complicated" case. I want to be able to bend over without having pain ripple down my back and knees. I want to be able to save my hard earned money towards something fun for once instead of shell out hundreds for medicine. I hate knowing that my livelihood is dependent on taking capsules instead of my own free will and spirit. I hate having to use a motorized buggy that stores provide when I'm really weak. People stare at me as if I'm some young, immature jerk that thinks it's funny and is just lazy. I feel as if I have chains wrapped around my ankles and wrists, and I'm pushing against them with all my might. I just want something to go smoothly, easily. I acknowledge how blessed I am but the flesh part of me nags at my spirit. I guess this is what makes me human. Dammit Eve!
While I'm on the topic of medical business, I'm becoming increasingly depressed, scared, and anxious for the colonoscopy on Thurs. Thankfully, my dad will be in the waiting room and will get to see me in the recovery section when it's done. I had to buy the foods that I'm allowed to have while on the clear liquid diet. I decided that I'm going to try drinking the broth although since I was a kid I haven't been able to stomach it. I bought five packs of Jello. Of course, I can't have strawberry, raspberry, or cherry since I can't have anything red or purple. Does blue count? Because I could go for blue raspberry. Or a Jello shot rather.
For most people, this test isn't a big deal. I'm not sure if I've done into much detail with my history with this or not but I'll give the rundown. When I was seven, I became really sick. I had blood in my stool and pool out of my colon. I developed cancerous polyps. I was in and out of the hospital for months and was almost held back from school due to being gone for the majority of it. Now that the test is coming closer, I remember the car rides out of state to see a specialist. I remember when the doctor told my mom and how she cried for the longest time. She held me close and even though I didn't fully understand what was going on, I knew that I was at the beginning of a scary journey. Fourteen years later, I sit at a desk in a lobby, trying not to cry, as I pray that I won't receive the same news. I'm scared of when they'll put me to sleep. I'm scared of being alone when it happens. I'm scared I'll be in pain. I fear I won't wake up from sedation. I fear I'll experience the same things that I did as a child. As I bought my clear foods today, I nearly cried. I remember the hunger I faced. I remember being fed through a tube as a kid. I remember sneaking a piece of turkey lunch meat because I was so hungry.
I can't get this off my mind. One of my mentors at work laid her hands on me and said a special prayer before leaving today. Her kindness and faith brought tears to my eyes since it's beauty touched my heart and my fear squeaked out of me. I could write for hours about my fears but I have to cap it for my own sanity. I beg of you, please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.
While these things have been consuming my mind, other things have gone on. I had my interview with the family. I'm not sure if I'll get the job but I enjoyed meeting the family. I would have to be at work at 6:45am and it's a 15-20 minute ride. On top of that, with working as a cashier, I normally get off at midnight. That doesn't lead to much time for sleep. If I don't nanny for this family, I'd love to still be a sitter when needed.
I received my acceptance letter from the community college. I can register for classes today. I have to wait about two hours until the website resumes from maintenance though. I plan on taking one or two classes online. Maybe this will be the light I need.
Thank you to the readers that I have. It inspires me when I see that people have viewed my posts. It makes me feel like I'm someone that others can relate to, maybe even someone somewhat special. Feel free to give me comments. I'm sorry this was such a downer post. I'm hoping I'll soon go to a theme park so happier posts should come in no time. :)
Just so you know, I'm not going to reread this post currently to correct errors. I'm too tired. It should still be coherent. Sorry for any mistakes.