"Winter just wasn't my season"

Breathe by Anna Nalick

So it's been a year since I've written anything. In regards to blogging, writing my poetry or prose, anything. I've lacked any motivation to create anything since losing my mother.

Nothing has really changed except for who I am. Losing my mother had given me more perspective of how grateful I am for my family. My dad, sister, and I have never been closer. I don't know what I'd do without them or my boyfriend.

Since her passing, I have dealt with night terrors concerning her passing. They are normally about her being dead and something horrible happens, or I'm watching the whole scene again. On the night of her passing, Maggie (my sister) and I watched everything. We tried saving her life before the paramedics came. I felt her cool skin and the stillness within her. I watched the paramedics shock her, do CPR, and a variety of other things. It's been over a year since she left us and most of the time I feel the same anguish I did that first month after her passing. I want to do something meaningful to celebrate her but I'm clueless on where to begin.

My grandma has created something spectacular. In her back yard, she has created a garden to celebrate her daughter that she lost all to soon. It's filled with beautiful pink roses and other flowers. The main color is pink since it was my mom's favorite color. She planted numerous tulip bulbs last fall and they are starting to sprout. The garden has a Mickey Mouse in it, as my mom was a HUGE Mickey fan. There's a beautiful sitting bench. Solar angel lights. It's breathtaking. I'm so proud and grateful she has done this, not only for herself but as a peaceful sanctuary for us all.

Maybe at some point, when it doesn't hurt as badly, I can write a biography about my mother. She is such a beautiful, brilliant, nurturing soul; I say is because I feel in my best that she isn't truly gone. As long as I live on, her blood runs through me. I notice that I am beginning to look more and more like her daily. When ever I paint my nails, it takes me aback because my hand suddenly looks just like my mother's. In a picture of when she was little, I see that I looked just like her as a small girl. I see her attending in front of me in the mirror, my mother fifteen years ago when I'd watch her get ready for work. She looked beautiful, graceful, and sophisticated with her high heels, nail polish, work clothes, and smooth skin. I idolized her and in many ways still do. I don't think I'll ever be as beautiful or smart as she was but I see her features in my face and body. I even have the small pinky toe nail like she had. It makes me smile that we have the same little quirks.

Beside dealing with her passing, I've been working pretty steadily at my same job. I just celebrated being at this job for two years. I did have to take a month of medical leave of absence due to a major flare up of Fibromyalgia back in December.

Socially, I'm doing somewhat better. I reconnected with talking to one of my exes. We dated briefly and haven't spoke since the breakup. I talk to her from time to time. It's been comforting since she use to be a close friend of mine. I also just reconnected with someone I once considered to be my first girlfriend, my first love, but more importantly, a close friend for years after we split.

We haven't talked after I said that I still had feelings for her four years ago. My medicine along with my bipolar messed with my emotions and I wasn't actually in love with her. None the less, it freaked her out. She was in a relationship with a woman she thought she was going to marry and her girlfriend despised me. I also really hated the girlfriend because she caused a lot of trouble between Stephanie and I. Including being the reason we broke up in the first place. Now, that was nearly ten years ago. Anyways, the past is in the past. We started talking a few weeks ago. I've missed her so greatly. I hope she never decides it's too much to handle with us being friends again. She was one of the only people I trusted and could be myself with as a teen. We've both changed as we've became adults. With experience comes enlightenment. She had since split with her now ex (even though her ex probably wasn't a horrible person, I'm SO glad). She has since met a wonderful woman whom she hopes to marry. I'm so happy for her.

My boyfriend, Michael, is graduating from college in a month. I'm so proud of him. I met him when he had just turned fifteen years old. He has turned into a remarkable man and I can't wait to marry him. We're hoping to get engaged within a year. I have never felt more sure of a decision in my life.

I haven't slept at all and have been up for about 24 hours. Crazy! Anyways, I'm going to consciously work on this blog. I know others go through similar issues and hey, maybe we can walk this journey together.

Eve's Curse, My Colonoscopy, and My Welcome Back to College

I'm officially off of work until Saturday. Today, I have an appointment with a new doctor. This specialist deals with pain management. After the troubles I have personally seen others go through with finding good doctors as well as a doctor that understands the way pain can change a person's life, I'm very anxious about this appointment. I'm not wanting 100 mg of Oxycontin or anything huge like that. I just want a compassionate doctor to listen to how my pain effects my life and figure out medicines that will treat these matters. I may have my boyfriend come into the room for support but I wish I could get my sister to go with me. She understands the power pain can have with her frequent migraines and seizures.

Truth be told, I don't want to go to this appointment. Or especially my colonoscopy on Thursday. I'm 21 years old. Anymore, I feel like a 21 year old trapped in the body of a 80 year old. I hate being a "special" or "complicated" case. I want to be able to bend over without having pain ripple down my back and knees. I want to be able to save my hard earned money towards something fun for once instead of shell out hundreds for medicine. I hate knowing that my livelihood is dependent on taking capsules instead of my own free will and spirit. I hate having to use a motorized buggy that stores provide when I'm really weak. People stare at me as if I'm some young, immature jerk that thinks it's funny and is just lazy. I feel as if I have chains wrapped around my ankles and wrists, and I'm pushing against them with all my might. I just want something to go smoothly, easily. I acknowledge how blessed I am but the flesh part of me nags at my spirit. I guess this is what makes me human. Dammit Eve!

While I'm on the topic of medical business, I'm becoming increasingly depressed, scared, and anxious for the colonoscopy on Thurs. Thankfully, my dad will be in the waiting room and will get to see me in the recovery section when it's done. I had to buy the foods that I'm allowed to have while on the clear liquid diet. I decided that I'm going to try drinking the broth although since I was a kid I haven't been able to stomach it. I bought five packs of Jello. Of course, I can't have strawberry, raspberry, or cherry since I can't have anything red or purple. Does blue count? Because I could go for blue raspberry. Or a Jello shot rather.

For most people, this test isn't a big deal. I'm not sure if I've done into much detail with my history with this or not but I'll give the rundown. When I was seven, I became really sick. I had blood in my stool and pool out of my colon. I developed cancerous polyps. I was in and out of the hospital for months and was almost held back from school due to being gone for the majority of it. Now that the test is coming closer, I remember the car rides out of state to see a specialist. I remember when the doctor told my mom and how she cried for the longest time. She held me close and even though I didn't fully understand what was going on, I knew that I was at the beginning of a scary journey. Fourteen years later, I sit at a desk in a lobby, trying not to cry, as I pray that I won't receive the same news. I'm scared of when they'll put me to sleep. I'm scared of being alone when it happens. I'm scared I'll be in pain. I fear I won't wake up from sedation. I fear I'll experience the same things that I did as a child. As I bought my clear foods today, I nearly cried. I remember the hunger I faced. I remember being fed through a tube as a kid. I remember sneaking a piece of turkey lunch meat because I was so hungry.

I can't get this off my mind. One of my mentors at work laid her hands on me and said a special prayer before leaving today. Her kindness and faith brought tears to my eyes since it's beauty touched my heart and my fear squeaked out of me. I could write for hours about my fears but I have to cap it for my own sanity. I beg of you, please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.

While these things have been consuming my mind, other things have gone on. I had my interview with the family. I'm not sure if I'll get the job but I enjoyed meeting the family. I would have to be at work at 6:45am and it's a 15-20 minute ride. On top of that, with working as a cashier, I normally get off at midnight. That doesn't lead to much time for sleep. If I don't nanny for this family, I'd love to still be a sitter when needed.

I received my acceptance letter from the community college. I can register for classes today. I have to wait about two hours until the website resumes from maintenance though. I plan on taking one or two classes online. Maybe this will be the light I need.

Thank you to the readers that I have. It inspires me when I see that people have viewed my posts. It makes me feel like I'm someone that others can relate to, maybe even someone somewhat special. Feel free to give me comments. I'm sorry this was such a downer post. I'm hoping I'll soon go to a theme park so happier posts should come in no time. :)

Just so you know, I'm not going to reread this post currently to correct errors. I'm too tired. It should still be coherent. Sorry for any mistakes.

Fraps, Kids, and a Crowd of Nerdy Choir Goers

Wow! I wasn't expecting to see that this blog now has 371 pageviews. Awesome! And many thanks to those who have stopped by my blog and read my entries.

For the most part, life has been pretty status quo. It has only been within the past two days that anything special has happened. After I finally paid for the board game, I received it in the mail yesterday. Depending on how tired Dad is when he gets home, I may try to get him to play it with me tonight.

It felt nice to be able to buy groceries yesterday. I now am stocked with Vitamin Water, Mountain Dew, and the other means that get me through the week.I even splurged two pre-mixed daiquiris and a hard lemonade. Oh, how I love the feeling of getting my check. I did finally buy my medicine. It will probably take a week or so to get back into my system properly but I can finally relax about it. Since I had to buy several medicines, it cost me $120. Holy cow! While this is still a large amount for medicine, I'm thankful to have insurance that lowers the cost. I can only imagine what I'd owe if I didn't have it. Sadly, I would more than likely have to choose which medicines to pay for and never fill some of the most expensive ones. Nuts.

While at work yesterday, the team leader of the cafe at work spoke to me. She wants me to be trained for the cafe and work over there! I'm so excited! Maybe this will give me a better perspective on working since it's different than my normal cashiering. Since I'd be available to work both, maybe it'd be a nice break.

I also spoke with a guest that turned out to be the HR coordinator of a respite agency that I've been considering sending in a application to. She encouraged me to do so, explained they'd interview me and then place me with a family that is needing a respite provider with my qualifications.We got to talking and told her about how I learned about the agency through my ex (her family uses respite providers for three of the five kids). After knowing the type of special needs that I've been around, she gave me the names of those at the agency of who to talk about my application. Awesome!

Later in the evening, I spoke with one of the team leaders and she learned that I have a background in working with autistic kids. She is currently looking for someone to provide respite services to her eleven year old who has high functioning autism and asked of my contact information to give to the case worker. How exciting! It ended up being a very productive, exciting night concerning work.

I was lucky enough to have today off. Some of my old friends from high school got together with our former choir teacher for lunch. My boyfriend picked my sister and I up after his work and spent the early part of the afternoon having shakes and talking with friends that we haven't seen in three years. Maybe it's something we'll all do again. It gave us such a great excuse to go out for lunch and actually get out of the house (or work).

I got 99 problems and being rich isn't one of them

It's nearly 4am and I have work at 10am. It's been a couple of off, weird days. Don't get me wrong; there have been some fun times as well.

Things have been tough with finances. Rent is costing everything we have and more. I'm broke, with $17 in my bank account. I don't have enough money to buy my mood stabilizer and fibro medicines. I owe a guy on EBay $18 for a boad game I bidded on two weeks ago. I need to find change, deposit it, and then pay for it. I'm also low on groceries and thank God Dad is able to pay for non perishable food with his check in advanced.

Today was probably my hardest day of work since I started. I forgot my medicine bag at home and no one could bring it today. I was in horrible pain all day and my boss even noticed that I looked sick. I was grateful to come home and take my medicine. I did manage to get a loyalty card even through this junk.

When I came home, Maggie, Dad, and I watched My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding and Pawn Stars. Dad helped me make my bed and we chit chatted about work, music, and what's going on in life. Maggie then spent an hour messaging my back. It has greatly helped reduced my pain. Poor Maggie, she then tripped and her knee is in a lot of pain. She can hardly bare any weight on it or bend it without stabbing pain.

To add to the mix, my boyfriend and I are having a rough time dealing with finding time for one another and how to deal with stress. We haven't had a date in Lord knows how long. It's been months since I had flowers. And the last time we did spent time together was when I washed laundry, he was editing his audio book, and then had dinner with his parents.  Plus, we've had frustrations about arguements. Any suggestions on how to balance work, family, boyfriend, searching for places to live, a car, and more jobs? I miss being a relaxed college kid.

I just noticed this is the weekend that my ex and I broke up a year ago. I no longer have romantic feelings for her but I miss her friendship and her family. Before dating, she was my best friend. We dated for awhile, broke it off, and she hasn't wanted to be friends since. I respect her choice but I do still miss her in that way.

It's now 4:25am. I had to get this off my mind. Thanks for listening.

My Resignition of Being an Adult

It has been a struggle to get through today. I woke up in a lot if pain from my Fibromyalgia. I take medicine for it, including Cymbalta and anti-inflammatory over the counter medicine like generic Advil. Well, I have been without my medicine for the past few days. I had a terrible time sleeping and it felt as if my left hip and knee were rubbing against the bone/cartilage. I had wipe spread pain throughout my entire body. The pain is so intense where it takes my breath away. I imagine that I'm in a tank of piranhas, sharks, and jellyfish. I keep getting stung and my skin burns. The pain (the piranhas and sharks) are eating my flesh, muscles, and nerves. I couldn't get my medicine until it was ready for pick up this evening.

I kept trying to deal with the pain throughout the morning and into the early afternoon. I made myself get ready for work, slap on a smile, and went to work as if everything was alright. Around 4:15pm, I was at my lane and had a man come through with several bags of large dog and cat food and a few bags of 34lbs of pine cat litter. When I lifted it, I must have pulled it from the conveyor belt and pulled my shoulder. I felt a pull and a sharp pain in my left shoulder near my shoulder blade. My supervisor and I had to fill out paperwork and called a hotline number to see if I needed to go to the emergency room. The nurse decided that I didn't need to and left it to me and my supervisor to decide what duties I could do for the rest of my shift. I decided to come home so that I could ice it on and off for 20 minutes, take generic Advil, and Excedrin. I pray that my decision to go home does not reflect badly on my 90 day review that is coming up.

I tried calling my boyfriend several times to come get me but he didn't pick up. I called my grandparents but they were nearly an hour away at an event with my cousin. I was lucky that I had enough money on me to take a cab. When I got home, Mom and Maggie just got home from the pharmacy. I was able to take my medicine for my fibro and have been putting ice on my shoulder.

In the middle of this, I have been making calls to figure other matters out. My sister has a migraine and my parents are completely focused on her. I'm not wanting I be treated like I'm dying or anything but I want them to care for me in the same manner. Why is it when something is wrong with me, there is something more pressing going on with someone else? I'm so stressed out and absolutely alone. I'm tired of this adult gig. I may be 21 but I am not ready to have to take care of all of the family and adult manners that I am forced to deal with. It is taking a toll on my body, mind, and spirit.

For more information on Fibromyalgia and the problems it causes for it's 5.8 million sufferers in the US, go to http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/default.htm . The more you know, the more you can do to help spread awareness and hope.