Monday, March 23, 2015

"Winter just wasn't my season"

Breathe by Anna Nalick

So it's been a year since I've written anything. In regards to blogging, writing my poetry or prose, anything. I've lacked any motivation to create anything since losing my mother.

Nothing has really changed except for who I am. Losing my mother had given me more perspective of how grateful I am for my family. My dad, sister, and I have never been closer. I don't know what I'd do without them or my boyfriend.

Since her passing, I have dealt with night terrors concerning her passing. They are normally about her being dead and something horrible happens, or I'm watching the whole scene again. On the night of her passing, Maggie (my sister) and I watched everything. We tried saving her life before the paramedics came. I felt her cool skin and the stillness within her. I watched the paramedics shock her, do CPR, and a variety of other things. It's been over a year since she left us and most of the time I feel the same anguish I did that first month after her passing. I want to do something meaningful to celebrate her but I'm clueless on where to begin.

My grandma has created something spectacular. In her back yard, she has created a garden to celebrate her daughter that she lost all to soon. It's filled with beautiful pink roses and other flowers. The main color is pink since it was my mom's favorite color. She planted numerous tulip bulbs last fall and they are starting to sprout. The garden has a Mickey Mouse in it, as my mom was a HUGE Mickey fan. There's a beautiful sitting bench. Solar angel lights. It's breathtaking. I'm so proud and grateful she has done this, not only for herself but as a peaceful sanctuary for us all.

Maybe at some point, when it doesn't hurt as badly, I can write a biography about my mother. She is such a beautiful, brilliant, nurturing soul; I say is because I feel in my best that she isn't truly gone. As long as I live on, her blood runs through me. I notice that I am beginning to look more and more like her daily. When ever I paint my nails, it takes me aback because my hand suddenly looks just like my mother's. In a picture of when she was little, I see that I looked just like her as a small girl. I see her attending in front of me in the mirror, my mother fifteen years ago when I'd watch her get ready for work. She looked beautiful, graceful, and sophisticated with her high heels, nail polish, work clothes, and smooth skin. I idolized her and in many ways still do. I don't think I'll ever be as beautiful or smart as she was but I see her features in my face and body. I even have the small pinky toe nail like she had. It makes me smile that we have the same little quirks.

Beside dealing with her passing, I've been working pretty steadily at my same job. I just celebrated being at this job for two years. I did have to take a month of medical leave of absence due to a major flare up of Fibromyalgia back in December.

Socially, I'm doing somewhat better. I reconnected with talking to one of my exes. We dated briefly and haven't spoke since the breakup. I talk to her from time to time. It's been comforting since she use to be a close friend of mine. I also just reconnected with someone I once considered to be my first girlfriend, my first love, but more importantly, a close friend for years after we split.

We haven't talked after I said that I still had feelings for her four years ago. My medicine along with my bipolar messed with my emotions and I wasn't actually in love with her. None the less, it freaked her out. She was in a relationship with a woman she thought she was going to marry and her girlfriend despised me. I also really hated the girlfriend because she caused a lot of trouble between Stephanie and I. Including being the reason we broke up in the first place. Now, that was nearly ten years ago. Anyways, the past is in the past. We started talking a few weeks ago. I've missed her so greatly. I hope she never decides it's too much to handle with us being friends again. She was one of the only people I trusted and could be myself with as a teen. We've both changed as we've became adults. With experience comes enlightenment. She had since split with her now ex (even though her ex probably wasn't a horrible person, I'm SO glad). She has since met a wonderful woman whom she hopes to marry. I'm so happy for her.

My boyfriend, Michael, is graduating from college in a month. I'm so proud of him. I met him when he had just turned fifteen years old. He has turned into a remarkable man and I can't wait to marry him. We're hoping to get engaged within a year. I have never felt more sure of a decision in my life.

I haven't slept at all and have been up for about 24 hours. Crazy! Anyways, I'm going to consciously work on this blog. I know others go through similar issues and hey, maybe we can walk this journey together.