He Choose Me

In the time that has passed, I have been working towards making my life better. I bought a bike to ride to my appointments. I also now have a computer so that I can start taking some online classes. Which also means I can write more frequently and even have some fun.

I was also able to convince my dad to allow me to get another cat as a means of therapy. When I lost Marmalade in April, it completely broke my heart. Besides being like a child to me, she served as a therapy animal that helped with my depression, pain, sleep, etc. Marmalade also helped my sister know when she was about to have a seizure and would help calm her during the process. While no being of any kind will be another Marmalade, I knew that I needed to find a cat that would love me.

Maggie (my sister for those who have not read my previous posts) and I went to our local animal rescue shelter. We saw a bunch of cats online, more that I can even count, but we were floored when we saw that the cats online were merely a small percentage of those at the center. There were rooms upon rooms full of cats. It was depressing and I wish I could have saved them all.

After starting the application process, we looked through the different rooms. The cats looked like they were in the window of a shop. The cat beds, glass panels, and ability for 2-3 cats to be in one section to bond helped make it feel a bit less like a kitty orphanage but rather a shop at a mall. First off, I found a kitten that was 12-18 weeks old. Her name is Munchkin. We took her into the "Hug Room" and she immediately melted my heart. She loved to play and cuddled up against my chest. My only concern was that since we have an older cat with behavioral/mental health problems the kitty may not be able to defend herself if a cat fight happened.

The second cat was Mark. At the age of 1.5 years old, he was still playful but not as needy as Munchkin. He clicked with Maggie and he was her pick. Since it was up to me to pick out the cat, I declined against him because he seemed too aloof and independent.

Then, as we were waiting to see Munchkin again, Maggie saw a cat, Butterscotch, in the top corner and she cleaned his eye (we were on the caged side at this point). He rubbed up against the metal and batted at Maggie playfully. Since Munchkin wasn't available yet, we decided to see him. In the room, he loved the play toys, even jumped onto the door at full speed, and had us cracking up. As the volunteer came to take him back, he went the other way, jumped onto the bench, and laid on my lap/chest. The volunteer chuckled and gave us another moment. I looked into his golden eyes and held him. I whispered, "Would you be my kitty? Are you the one?" By holding him and seeing those beautiful eyes, my heart swelled and my eyes began to water. I looked at Maggie. This is my kitty.

I was overjoyed to bring him home. We renamed him to "Sammy". He adapted quickly to our home and he is fine with the other cats. They, on the other hand, are still adjusting to him. He snuggles with us. He plays and sleeps as if it's a constant cycle. And besides his amazing personality, he's a huge kitty! With being only a year and a half old, he's around 20lbs! I feel as if God, my mom, and Marmalade guided me to him. In the end, he chose me.

BTW, it's my sister who is in the last picture.

  

The Meaning of a New Life

It has been months since I last wrote. An unimaginable amount of crap has happened. Above all else, I am deeply saddened to report that my mother passed away on March 2, 2014. She had been discharged from the hospital at Friday afternoon, said to be medically stable. She was sitting up in bed that Saturday night (technically Sunday morning since it was 1:30am) when she fell back and her eyes rolled back. I called 991 as Maggie performed CPR. The medics revived her but lost her on the way to the ambulance.

I cannot even begin to describe the pain I felt as the doctor came into the family waiting room to tell us. I knew in my heart that she wouldn't make it this time but I so badly wanted and prayed that she would fight back like she had every time before. Remember, this was the woman who had a stroke, heart attack, fell into two medically induced comas, had been on the ventilator several times, fell into a diabetic coma, had brain surgery, and nearly hemorrhaged to death while giving birth to me. She was a tough cookie but for some reason, she couldn't fight through this. Maggie and I felt like she was ready to go. After enduring dialysis, it took all of her energy and she couldn't fight.

Sure, a lot of people think about all that she and I will miss out on like when I try on wedding dresses, or when I have a child. But the true tragedy is not being able to go to her when I wake from a bad dream or when I can't tell her a funny story about what happened at work. Yes, big moments are defining attributes of our lives but the real moments that color in the lines of our once blank canvas are the everyday interactions with the ones that we love and value. 

It has been a month since she passed away. I suffered from constant nightmares for three weeks after it happened. It became so unbearable that I refused to sleep. I still have the nightmares but they aren't nearly as often. I feel like I can get a grip on it at the very least. I still have a very hard time sleeping. My eating patterns are bizarre- the only things that ever really taste good are greek yogurt and chocolate-peanut butter Easter eggs. Because of course that makes sense.

The family has been trying to support one another. I have more contact with my mother's sisters and my grandparents. Maggie and I have patched things up. The most surprising change has been that we now have some contact with my dad's sister. We haven't talked to her for years. We talked to her after the visitation and she and my cousin came to the funereal. I talk to my aunt on Facebook and it's been comforting having contact with her again.

In this constant search for finding a "new life" after losing my mother, life has kept moving forward. I actually went to Kansas City with my boyfriend and his family for the Big 12 Tournament. It was a convenient distraction. After the trip, I went back to work for my first week back. I've been making some new friends as my company has been hiring a lot of new people. I've been talking to one of the new guys through text. I think he and some of the other new people could become friends I trust.Also I had my annual work review. It wasn't perfect but my boss told me she's seen a lot of improvement in the past few months and I ended up getting a raise! It's my first raise, EVER. So excited! 

In the past few weeks I also went to the circus with Maggie and my dad. Maggie and I rode an elephant! A lovely woman took pictures on my cell so we could scrapbook it later. We ate unhealthy, overly priced food, watched plenty of acts, and I made sure to get a bunch of pictures with the clowns, 

I don't know what the future holds and how I will get there but one thing I have learned is that humans are highly adaptable. This doesn't mean that the transition is easy but we adapt to what we need to become and how to find happiness in life. After all, that's what we all are truly wanting, right?

What's Worth Fighting For?

It's been a sucky time. I've been arguing with my sister. For those of you that don't know, my family took her in after she was living in a not so wonderful environment after both her and I graduated high school. She moved in with us when she was 19- only three years ago.

Siblings bicker and fight. I know that. But I can't stand this. There is so much bitterness  and resentment. I know my hands aren't clean but my family seems to believe that she can't do any wrong. I have a long standing feeling of frustration because I go to work to help support the family yet she doesn't. In fact, I rarely get anything for myself due to lack of money but she smokes so she gets things when I don't. If she were working, I wouldn't care. My main problems deal with how my family treats her, which isn't necessarily her fault, but she doesn't help them. She doesn't have the responsibilities I have. While these are the main problems, I feel like the list continues to grow each day.

The fighting has became unbearable. When Mom left for dialysis, I said that we had to talk. For the sake of our relationship. She didn't care and split as soon as Mom was out of the room. She and the others in my family are really making me feel like I'm disposable. I really don't matter. With how she left, I've never felt so abandoned by her. But maybe I need to detach for my own sake. Still, that doesn't help now.

Here I am: 22 years old, swimming in college debt, working a job that allows me to help support my family but not enough to support me living on my own (especially to have my own health insurance since that's very important). I'm without a degree, unable to reach my dreams. I'm not close to most of my friends anymore since my life has taken a drastic turn since leaving college.

When I feel as overwhelmed as I do, I don't know how to cope. I listen to music but it just compounds how I'm feeling. I use to cut and I still fight urges. I'm 22 and lack any real coping mechanisms. And I attended college for psychology. You would think that I'd know how to deal with life by now.

I have work later today (of course, I also do) so I'm going to try taking a nap while Mom's gone. I have no clue how to handle the recent blow up with my "sister". I can't be the only one giving energy into making this work.

Until she comes back, I can't even eat since she has the debit card and I need it to go to the cafeteria.

Please comment with ideas?

Listening to: Unbreakable Heart by Three Days Grace
Reading: Insurgent by Veronica Roth
Watching: Criminal Minds

Overload

Since I last wrote, we have moved twice. We moved into an apartment right after I turned 22 in September. At the time, Mom was in the hospital the day that we signed the lease. I stayed at the hospital with her while Dad and Maggie packed. My boyfriend, Michael, and his aunt and uncle helped us move.

I loved the apartment. We lived right by a mall, tons of restaurants, and had really sweet neighbors. In November, I had trouble with my bank account and one of my checks was eaten up by bank fees. My account was closed and I was suppose to receive my next check in a paper format. Instead, my work somehow sent my check to some account to a bank that I have never gone to. I finally received that check after a month of waiting. I went nearly six weeks without being able to use my wages. The apartment complex filed for eviction and we had to appear in court. If we could pay it in court, everything would be fine. Due to this, I had to ask a friend for $50 to pay for rent. Everything was set. Then, on the day of court, Michael's car ran out of gas when getting my sister and I. We were late to court, the eviction was set, and we lost our place. The first real place we had had in years. I'm still devastated and am scared of how this is going to effect future rental prospects. For the time being, we're in a motel that's way too small, has three phone lines for the entire building, is crawling with roaches, and have to pay $1,000 a month. I'm thankful for the place but it makes me horribly depressed. I'm determined to get my life back on track. Even if that means venturing out on my own (but with an eviction on my record, how in the world do I get a place???).

Within the past month, Dad has had problems with kidney stones. He ended up getting staff infection, was in the hospital for a week, missed work for two weeks, still has to take meds through an IV, and just went back to work on Wednesday. My sister and Mom were also released from the hospital this week- Mom also had staff infection and Maggie was put on a ventilator after having a single seizure for 45 minutes. Everything was starting to be okay. Until yesterday. Mom's dialysis catheter came out when she woke from a nap. She was hemorrhaging blood. The entire blanket and pillow was/is soaked with blood (we have to throw it away since there is no use in saving them). Mom was taken by ambulance to the hospital. She is suppose to have another catheter put in today. My nose still stings from the strong smell of blood. I normally can keep my cool but between seeing how much blood was on the bed, seeing what a mess the paramedics left for me (they put our microwave stand outside, in the snow and left it- and I'm not strong enough to lift it, for instance), I let myself have a small meltdown. I was trying to put something away, had rotten cottage cheese spill on me since they placed the garbage sack in the way, and was unable to reach the fridge. It was just the icing on the cake. I took the zip lock baggies of meat and cheese and banged them against the counter. I had to have a small, temporary moment of insanity.

In the midst of all this, I'm on a 2nd level probation at work due to attendance. I have had to miss for emergencies, like when Mom has been taken by ambulance before. I missed once or twice in the past year for being sick. My work is even holding it against me when I had to seek medical treatment for workman's compensation when I smacked my hand against the metal rack when pulling sacks apart. I need to talk to the HR department about that matter because it should not be held against me.

Anyways, I have received very little sleep and have work today. I have no clue when I'm scheduled since I forgot to grab my schedule on my way out yesterday. I'll have to call. I hope it's in the mid afternoon. I really am so exhausted with everything.

How am I coping? I don't know. I've been reading the Divergent and Hunger Game series a lot. I also used my Christmas money to buy a Playstation 3. I'm pretty psyched. I own a few of my favorite games as well as some TV episodes.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I promise I'll update more often.

Til next time,
Meredith

Followed By a Chaser

Since I last wrote, I went to the pain specialist and also had my colonoscopy. The appointment with the pain doctor went alright I guess. She put me on Gabapentin. I'm hoping that this will help. She did take away the other medicine I was on and that was working so I'm nervous I'll be in a lot of pain.

On Wednesday, I was on the clear fluid diet and it wasn't too terrible. I ate a lot of Jello and made soup in which my mom ate the noodles. For some reason I didn't have much of an appetite (I'll be thankful for that in this instance). I also had to drink the bowel prep liquid. Disgusting! I had to drink one bottle at night and another in the morning. When I started drinking at night, I kept throwing up. I mixed with water and orange juice. The stuff is just too bitter and salty. Finally, after three hours later, I had it all down but after each gulp I had to take a drink of Mountain Dew since the sweetness cut the  salt/bitter. The liquid is designed to make you go to the bathroom so word of advice, drink something like Gatorade a few days prior and while on the clear liquid diet. Otherwise, you will become shaky, weak, and have a horrible headache. I ended up falling asleep next to my sister and mom as they were rubbing my back. I finally felt relaxed.

In the morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. In order to go back to sleep, I had to drink the prep. This time, I mixed it with pure orange juice and chased it from the start. I got it down within 5 minutes. I drank it like a boss!

I went to the procedure with Dad and my boyfriend.They weighed me before I had to get into a gown and I'm officially 27 lbs lighter than my heaviest!!! Before I went into the procedure room, I had Dad come back to see me. I was crying and anxious. When the nurse got me ready, we were talking about where I work and she gave me some meds. I didn't sleep throughout the procedure. The medicine didn't touch me. In fact,the nurse had to tell me to keep trying to relax and stop talking. The actual procedure was NOT painful. The results came back with nothing giving clear answers. Everything looked okay. They did take some biopsies and I will have to have some lab work done to figure a few more things out. While I'm glad everything looked okay, I'm still needing answers.

Over the past few days, my sister and I have talked a lot more. It makes me happier.When we take the time for just the two of us, we can talk about things that we normally couldn't with others around.

Of course, everything can't be easy. The hotel we are at said they double booked our room so that we'll have to move out. There's no way we can move out by tomorrow. I pray that someone cancels and that a miracle happens.

Eve's Curse, My Colonoscopy, and My Welcome Back to College

I'm officially off of work until Saturday. Today, I have an appointment with a new doctor. This specialist deals with pain management. After the troubles I have personally seen others go through with finding good doctors as well as a doctor that understands the way pain can change a person's life, I'm very anxious about this appointment. I'm not wanting 100 mg of Oxycontin or anything huge like that. I just want a compassionate doctor to listen to how my pain effects my life and figure out medicines that will treat these matters. I may have my boyfriend come into the room for support but I wish I could get my sister to go with me. She understands the power pain can have with her frequent migraines and seizures.

Truth be told, I don't want to go to this appointment. Or especially my colonoscopy on Thursday. I'm 21 years old. Anymore, I feel like a 21 year old trapped in the body of a 80 year old. I hate being a "special" or "complicated" case. I want to be able to bend over without having pain ripple down my back and knees. I want to be able to save my hard earned money towards something fun for once instead of shell out hundreds for medicine. I hate knowing that my livelihood is dependent on taking capsules instead of my own free will and spirit. I hate having to use a motorized buggy that stores provide when I'm really weak. People stare at me as if I'm some young, immature jerk that thinks it's funny and is just lazy. I feel as if I have chains wrapped around my ankles and wrists, and I'm pushing against them with all my might. I just want something to go smoothly, easily. I acknowledge how blessed I am but the flesh part of me nags at my spirit. I guess this is what makes me human. Dammit Eve!

While I'm on the topic of medical business, I'm becoming increasingly depressed, scared, and anxious for the colonoscopy on Thurs. Thankfully, my dad will be in the waiting room and will get to see me in the recovery section when it's done. I had to buy the foods that I'm allowed to have while on the clear liquid diet. I decided that I'm going to try drinking the broth although since I was a kid I haven't been able to stomach it. I bought five packs of Jello. Of course, I can't have strawberry, raspberry, or cherry since I can't have anything red or purple. Does blue count? Because I could go for blue raspberry. Or a Jello shot rather.

For most people, this test isn't a big deal. I'm not sure if I've done into much detail with my history with this or not but I'll give the rundown. When I was seven, I became really sick. I had blood in my stool and pool out of my colon. I developed cancerous polyps. I was in and out of the hospital for months and was almost held back from school due to being gone for the majority of it. Now that the test is coming closer, I remember the car rides out of state to see a specialist. I remember when the doctor told my mom and how she cried for the longest time. She held me close and even though I didn't fully understand what was going on, I knew that I was at the beginning of a scary journey. Fourteen years later, I sit at a desk in a lobby, trying not to cry, as I pray that I won't receive the same news. I'm scared of when they'll put me to sleep. I'm scared of being alone when it happens. I'm scared I'll be in pain. I fear I won't wake up from sedation. I fear I'll experience the same things that I did as a child. As I bought my clear foods today, I nearly cried. I remember the hunger I faced. I remember being fed through a tube as a kid. I remember sneaking a piece of turkey lunch meat because I was so hungry.

I can't get this off my mind. One of my mentors at work laid her hands on me and said a special prayer before leaving today. Her kindness and faith brought tears to my eyes since it's beauty touched my heart and my fear squeaked out of me. I could write for hours about my fears but I have to cap it for my own sanity. I beg of you, please keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.

While these things have been consuming my mind, other things have gone on. I had my interview with the family. I'm not sure if I'll get the job but I enjoyed meeting the family. I would have to be at work at 6:45am and it's a 15-20 minute ride. On top of that, with working as a cashier, I normally get off at midnight. That doesn't lead to much time for sleep. If I don't nanny for this family, I'd love to still be a sitter when needed.

I received my acceptance letter from the community college. I can register for classes today. I have to wait about two hours until the website resumes from maintenance though. I plan on taking one or two classes online. Maybe this will be the light I need.

Thank you to the readers that I have. It inspires me when I see that people have viewed my posts. It makes me feel like I'm someone that others can relate to, maybe even someone somewhat special. Feel free to give me comments. I'm sorry this was such a downer post. I'm hoping I'll soon go to a theme park so happier posts should come in no time. :)

Just so you know, I'm not going to reread this post currently to correct errors. I'm too tired. It should still be coherent. Sorry for any mistakes.

Holy Cow It's Been This Long???

I can't believe I've blown the blog off for this long. I am truly sorry and realize that all I have done is a disservice to myself since this is therapeutic for me. 

So, what has changed? In many ways, not too much. We're still living in the same place. I'm still working at the same place. There are times when financial matters feel like I'm swimming in a sea without land in sight. One thing has changed: there is a light of hope.

Later on this week, I have an interview with a family that has three children. Two of the children go to school during the day so I would only have to watch over the 4 month old. It would be a full time nanny job. I'm absolutely ecstatic. I do have two other possible nanny options but I want this really bad and it's the most promising lead. The pay would help a ton with rent and other concerns. I'm also stoked because I could finally work with children again! When I am around children, the world seems lighter, happier, and more promising. I feel in my element. Wish me luck!

On another note, I went to the GI doctor for the first time in years. I am going to have another colonoscopy to find out exactly what disorder I have. As a child, I was told I had Crohn's but told I have Ulcerative Colitis when I was older. I've been dealing with more attacks as of late that create sever intestine cramping, sweating, paralyzing pain, sensitivity to light and sound, fatigue, blood in stool, and nausea. It's absolutely horrible. I'm scared to have this test. One: it's a scary test to begin with. Two: I had this as a child and I don't have pleasant memories of these doctor's visits. Three and most importantly: When I had this test done (several times mind you) as a child, it was because the doctor found cancerous polyps. I'm so scared that they will find something dangerous again. My dad is looking into having that day off to be a source of support but I'm doubting he'll be able to be there. The test will be in about a week. Once again, wish me luck. Send your prayers please.

 On top of this, I've also been having problems with my boyfriend. There have been arguments over him respecting me and defending my honor. All couples have problems, and I acknowledge this. I'm sure it'll be something that we'll either get over or sweep under the rug but it sucks that I haven't had a chance to see my counselor.

I had today (technically yesterday) off from work but I don't feel like I accomplished much. I spent the morning hours stressing over financial problems. I wasn't able to fall asleep the night before so I fell asleep at about 2pm and slept on and off throughout the day. I normally don't do this unless my fibro fog and fatigue kicks my butt. When I'm at my job though, I never let it affect my work.

Well, I think I may take care of a few things and go to bed so that I'll be back on track. Things will be okay. They have to be. I'm holding onto this thread of hope and I believe in God, myself, and my family. Prayers and positive vibes are still greatly welcomed. ;)

Hope you all are having a great night sleeping!