Battle

Back to work! I had two days off before coming in today. It was a much needed break that I was greatful for yet knew it wouldn't be long enough for me to catch up on things I needed to do. Maggie and I did watch a movie, The Simpson's Movie. I slept a lot since I've been really tired and been dealing with "brain fog" from the fibromyalgia.

Fibro has been messing with everything. It's making me more depressed, tired, frustrated, and like my brain is slowed down. While peope try to understand, no one gets it unless they are going through it as well. People jokingly tease me about needing naps or being tired. For most people, it'd be alright to joke about. For me, it's just a reminder of the battle. I fight hard and constantly, and frankly, I get fed up. But what other option is there? Lay in bed all day? That doesn't sound like much of a life to me.

Work Picnic: May 27th, Memorial Day

I'm on my last break at work. They put together a full grill event with hamburgers, hot dogs, picnic salads, cake, fruit bowls, and cases and cases of pop. Including Mountain Dew. Yay. It's things like this that make me feel like the corporation really does care out the team members.

I can't wait to get home to sleep. I get off at 11:30pm. In the mean time, I hope I can zone some shoes or something. It's driving me nuts to stay at the front lanes. We're either supper busy or dead. Last I knew, it was dead. I pray and pray and pray that I get to zone or reshop softlines.

I took the road more travel

Maggie just had a seizure. Dad and I were both preparing to head to bed since we have work later today/tomorrow. Maggie called us over since she could tell she was getting ready to have a seizure. Dad sat beside her and helped calm us all. Even though we've seen Maggie have seizures before, it's also disturbing and scary to see her muscles contort, her eyes become glazed over, and see her lips turn blue from not breathing. It's a lot to deal with.

I stayed at Maggie's feet during the episode. When she started coming around, I started talking to her, tried to calm her, and held her for a minute before heading to my bed. (Remember, we are still in a hotel with one room for the four of us). Maggie is now sleeping after being exhausted from the episode. I pray she doesn't have anymore tonight.

I worry about her having a seizure while Dad and I are at work. Mom would be the only one available to care for her and she is disabled. She does not have the strength to turn Maggie on her side nor the ability to bend down to the ground, etc, etc. Most of the time, Maggie helps take care of Mom, as do I and Dad. I consider both Mag and I partial caregivers for Mom.

This also scares me because with Mag and I's disabilities and limits, I worry that we can't effectively take care of Mom. It's already sometimes hard balancing work, personal life, and helping around the house. A lot of times, I do the research and make the calls for finding a place for us to stay, search for Craiglists cars, help pay for rent, etc. It's my job and I am not complaining about it. At times I struggle with living this life instead of the one I had planned (getting ready to graduate from college, studying abroad, have a home and a car, have our family healthy, and live without clinical anxiety, mood disorders, and fibromyalgia). While this path is not what I planned, I feel grateful to have a job, have my wonderful family, and have access to resources to improve my health.

Next time, let's hope the posts are more lighthearted, fun, silly, and even mundane.

Maggie's Story and Freud's Theory on Batgirl

Maggie came home yesterday! Yay! She hasn't had a seizure in over 36 hours.

Maggie's actual mom brought Maggie home.* She stayed at our place for over an hour and let us visit her bird, Gabby. Gabby is a red tipped wing parrot. I absolutely adore her. She rests on my shoulder, "preens" me cheeks, let's me kiss her, and she tastes me (this is the way birds get to know you, through their hard tongue that has a bone in it). It was the first time that Mom held a bird. She was nervous at first but melted when she started petting Gabby's feathers. Between Maggie coming home and seeing Gabby, it made yesterday pretty awesome.

*Now to explain the story of how Maggie came into our lives. We went to middle and high school together. We weren't exactly friends and in fact, I disliked her in school. She was friends with my friend. After we graduated high school, Maggie moved into my friend's home, which wasn't healthy or stable. My mom invited her to live with us, away from the drugs, crime activities, etc. She jumped at the chance and has lived with us since December 2010. Over time, she has become a sister to me and a true part of this family.

Now that I explained Maggie's story, I can go on. She and I had a busy day. We cashed her bonds that her grandmother sent her and we both set up accounts. We already have our permanent debit cards. She picked the cat photo on her card and I picked the multi-color paint one. It makes me feel like I accomplished something for once. Later, I went to the library, opened an account, and checked out several books about psychology, fibromyalgia, 2 Batman comics, and 1 Batgirl comic. Score!

Many Prayers Needed for Maggie Moo

In an earlier post, I mentioned that my mother and sister are disabled.  My sister, Maggie, has epilepsy.  She was diagnosed with it back in November of 2011 at the age of 20. (We're the same age and we adopted her after we graduated high school together). Anyways, she was just sent by rescue after having three seizures in a row, status seizures. Dad went with her while I'm here to take care of Mom. It breaks my heart to see her struggle and be in pain. I wish I could have gone with her and Dad in the ambulance.
After the ambulance left, Mom and I held hands and I led us in prayer.  Mom then called Maggie's biological mother to let her know.
Please send prayers and positive thoughts our way.
On top of this, I am suppose to go to work at 11am. My shoulder is still in terrible pain. I'm going to have to call in.  I pray it doesn't put my job in jeopardy.

My Resignition of Being an Adult

It has been a struggle to get through today. I woke up in a lot if pain from my Fibromyalgia. I take medicine for it, including Cymbalta and anti-inflammatory over the counter medicine like generic Advil. Well, I have been without my medicine for the past few days. I had a terrible time sleeping and it felt as if my left hip and knee were rubbing against the bone/cartilage. I had wipe spread pain throughout my entire body. The pain is so intense where it takes my breath away. I imagine that I'm in a tank of piranhas, sharks, and jellyfish. I keep getting stung and my skin burns. The pain (the piranhas and sharks) are eating my flesh, muscles, and nerves. I couldn't get my medicine until it was ready for pick up this evening.

I kept trying to deal with the pain throughout the morning and into the early afternoon. I made myself get ready for work, slap on a smile, and went to work as if everything was alright. Around 4:15pm, I was at my lane and had a man come through with several bags of large dog and cat food and a few bags of 34lbs of pine cat litter. When I lifted it, I must have pulled it from the conveyor belt and pulled my shoulder. I felt a pull and a sharp pain in my left shoulder near my shoulder blade. My supervisor and I had to fill out paperwork and called a hotline number to see if I needed to go to the emergency room. The nurse decided that I didn't need to and left it to me and my supervisor to decide what duties I could do for the rest of my shift. I decided to come home so that I could ice it on and off for 20 minutes, take generic Advil, and Excedrin. I pray that my decision to go home does not reflect badly on my 90 day review that is coming up.

I tried calling my boyfriend several times to come get me but he didn't pick up. I called my grandparents but they were nearly an hour away at an event with my cousin. I was lucky that I had enough money on me to take a cab. When I got home, Mom and Maggie just got home from the pharmacy. I was able to take my medicine for my fibro and have been putting ice on my shoulder.

In the middle of this, I have been making calls to figure other matters out. My sister has a migraine and my parents are completely focused on her. I'm not wanting I be treated like I'm dying or anything but I want them to care for me in the same manner. Why is it when something is wrong with me, there is something more pressing going on with someone else? I'm so stressed out and absolutely alone. I'm tired of this adult gig. I may be 21 but I am not ready to have to take care of all of the family and adult manners that I am forced to deal with. It is taking a toll on my body, mind, and spirit.

For more information on Fibromyalgia and the problems it causes for it's 5.8 million sufferers in the US, go to http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/default.htm . The more you know, the more you can do to help spread awareness and hope.

Chunky Monkey and The Little Mermaid

It's past 2am again and I'm making a frozen pasta meal for Mom. I'm wiped out from working. When I got home (in which was past 11:30 pm since I closed once again), I curled up in my blanket and watched Hot in Cleveland. I have nothing against the show but it was merely on because I was too lazy to change it. I did have a chance to munch on some snacks that I bought at work, like Chunky Monkey ice cream, Chobani yogurt, and Mountain Dew (my vice).

I somehow managed to be scheduled off for Wednesday and Thursday. I'm excited that I will be able to wear my new clothes; an outfit without a certain color that normally dominates my wardrobe due to my uniforms. I finally get to wear my dress!
http://www.target.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/p/xhilaration-juniors-tulip-maxi-dress-assorted-colors/-/A-14428403

That is the link to my dress. It says that it is not sold in stores but I was lucky enough to find it at mine since it's a test store. I just bought a pair of white flip flops to go with it.

My sister and I made a large purchase off of ebay yesterday. We bought six Disney DVDs for $66. Pretty cool, huh? We were able to pick the six that we are getting. We picked: The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Aladdin, Peter Pan, The Lion King, and Aristocats. I'm praying that they'll be here on Friday or Saturday. I'm also bidding on a board game, Aggravation, that I use to love as a kid. Now, I just have to hope that some Jane Doe doesn't scoop it up. It's pretty pathetic that this is what excitement consists of in my life.

I'm thinking of putting some detailed work into a writing project that I started over a year ago. I still have the same ideas, characters, and details in my binder. I miss writing. More importantly, I miss accomplishing creative projects, like the plays in college or writing consistently for my creative writing class. Even though I only work 8 hours a day, the energy that lives in my muscles and spirit is zapped after the 100th transaction of the day.

Speaking of work, I'm had less jerks lately. I'm becoming better friends with some of the other team members. Although there's still one woman who is annoyingly rude. There is always an awkward silence between us when we are working alone at night. I still have the guests who cut me off and are ignorant to the fact that I deserve respect as a human being. I swear, I will soon be entered into the contest of "Who Can Speak the Most in One Breath" because I try to talk about all of the information before they can cut me off. I realize this isn't a very good strategy for getting people to sign up for cards but I'm working on it.

Well, boys and girls, I better get off. My food is probably long cold and I should make myself head to bed. But why do that when all of the good TV shows are on in the middle of the night?